Openly Biased: Bullies and The Bullied

Zenobia: Welcome to Openly Biased.  Today we're continuing the series on bullying, focusing on why people bully and what can be done about it.  My first guest today are Ryan Guinness and Helena Malfoy, both former bullies! Kudos to them for the "former" part! 

Zenobia: Let's hear Helena's story first.

Helena: When I was a teenager, there was a pair of sisters that I targeted.  I did everything within my power to make their lives worse.  It wasn't until adulthood that I realized how wrong I had been.  

Zenobia: What did you have against them? 

Helena: Honestly, I think it was a case of tearing others down to build myself up.  I had incredibly low self esteem.  I had the power to make them cry and I reveled in it.  And they were easy targets - poor, unfashionable, all of that.

Zenobia: What made you see the error of your ways? 

Helena: As you know, I'm a historian.  In the course of my studies, I saw the harm done by mistreatment of the poor.   Also, in the course of simple maturation, I came to understand that the things I vilified those girls for were not their fault, that they didn't choose to be what they were.

Zenobia: Have you talked to them since?  How did that go?

Helena: One of them has forgiven me and moved past it.  The other, not so much. 

Zenobia: Ryan, what's your story? 

Ryan: If there was anyone around who wasn't obviously a white Christian heterosexual with a good job, or parents that worked, I hated them.  I got beat up at school, lost jobs, all kinds of stuff.  Slut-shaming, fat-shaming, you name it - I did it.  

Zenobia: Often, in a case like this, the bully has learned these things from his parents.  But that doesn't apply to you.  

Ryan: My sister blames her ex-boyfriend.  All I can tell you for sure is that when Dad figured out I was the one causing all the trouble, he hit the roof. Might as well have sent me off to military school.  Then Mom found out we have, like, one drop of black blood.  Seeing my sister treated the way she was, by a man she thought loved her...  That was the last straw.  I've been trying to make up for it ever since.

Zenobia: Next up, I have those who were bullied.  Three of them are peers of Ryan's and one is a former victim of Helena's.  That's not really on purpose, but Barbieville is a small town and I work with what I have.  

Zenobia: Peeta Mellark, Frodo Dean, Batgirl Montez, and Whitney Darling.  We'll start with Peeta and work our way across.  How did being bullied affect you, and do you have any advice for viewers?

Peeta: It was more like attempted bullying in my case.  I am Jewish, so I learned early on to deal with people who didn't understand.  In second grade, I remember a big scandal over my refusal to eat the pork and beans in my lunch. (laughs) Then word got out that I'm gay and people tried to give me grief for that, but it didn't bother me.  Bothers my boyfriend a lot.  He was never, you know, different.

Zenobia: I tried to talk him into being here, but he declined.  

Peeta:  Anyway, my advice to viewers is the same as I tell my boyfriend:  You aren't hurting anyone and these people have no power over you.  That second part isn't true when it comes to lawmakers and stuff, but it sure applies to that jackass who wrote gay slurs on your locker.

Frodo: Most of the bullying I've dealt with has been racial.  Mom's black and Dad's white, so I get it from both sides.  I just roll with it like my parents do. Getting mad is counterproductive, that just "proves them right".  Joking about stereotypes is a good way to show how dumb the whole thing is, though, so I do that a lot.  

Zenobia: I've heard it said the blacks can't be racist. But you said you get it from both sides?

Frodo: If you're talking actual racism, the stuff that's embedded in society, blacks can't be.  But plenty of us are...  We tend to assume the worst.  Like, say I'm wearing the saggy pants and your mom tells me to pull them up.  She doesn't realize it, but she's being racist.  Now, I could get mad and scream at her, but odds are she just thought it looked stupid.  

Zenobia: Because she doesn't understand that it's a big thing in black culture.

Frodo: Right.  The best thing to do is stay calm and give the lady the benefit of the doubt.  If she did mean to be racist, you screaming in her face is just gonna make her even more so.  

Batgirl: I can vouch for that.  Not so much on the race thing, but in general.  If people think you are trash and you don't behave like trash, it creates a chance to communicate.  I'm one of the sisters Helena talked about and, yes, we were trailer trash.  Everyone in town knew it.  We both left town upon graduation and I grew some self-esteem.  

Zenobia: You must have, if you chose to return and raise your kids in the town that treated you so badly. 

Batgirl: I realized then that most of what Charlotte and I went through was our parents' fault.  Kids, especially junior high kids, like Helena was during the worst of it, can't understand that children don't choose to live like we did.  I married Joe and brought him back here, we both work hard to support our family, and the worst my girls have gotten is an occasional comment about going back to Mexico, which they just find funny because they're Navajo. 

Zenobia: So you offer the same advice as Frodo and Peeta.  Roll with it, they mean nothing.

Batgirl: More or less.  

Whitney: I had what I thought was some harmless fun and Wilma came along nine months later.  Those nine months were a living hell.  Mom was there for me, every step of the way, but when you're thirteen, your peers are the most important people in your life. When I see the news stories about kids committing suicide because they've been bullied, I totally get it.  I thought about doing it, myself.  

Zenobia: But you got through it. 

Whitney: I had Mom.  She stood by me, helped me make my choices, even divorced my dad for me.  Held me when I cried, hid the cutlery when I was really down, everything.  But most parents are kind of oblivious to stuff like this. Maybe they aren't even capable of understanding. (Crying)  I think we need to be giving advice to everyone instead of just the kids getting bullied.   If you see someone being bullied, anywhere, any time, step in.  Don't mind your own business, don't make excuses for the bully.  Step in.  You might save a life. 

Zenobia: Everyone out there - don't be a bystander. If you have ideas, advice, anything constructive, tell us in the comment section. (Outro music plays over everyone gathering around Whitney.)