The Mouths of Babes

Zenobia:  Welcome to Openly Biased.  Doll County is reopening, but we aren't talking pandemic today.  A larger matter needs our attention.  What's larger than a pandemic?  My guests are the Dean brothers, Frodo and Ty, and the Pike brothers, Tanner and Freddy.  They can explain better than I can.

Frodo: We big brothers have agreed to let Ty and Fred take the lead on this.

Ty: We was both very sad and mad about all the bad stuff people are doing.  Our grownups tried to explain, but we're just little kids.  We don't get it.  

Freddy: So we did a spearmint.  These guys took us to the big mall and traded little brothers.  Frodo walked around all day with me and Tanner did it with Ty.  It was lots of fun.

Ty: Let's trade big brothers like we did then!  (The boys switch laps.)  Tanner took me to a movie and then we got ice cream.  Frodo and Freddy had a big ole pizza and then watched a different movie.

Fred: People asked me like ten bazillion times was I okay and did I know Frodo.  Did he steal me or was he hurting me.  Frodo said it was part of the spearmint.

Ty: Nobody asked me that stuff.  And the big boys said that was the spearmint.  All them people thought Frodo was a bad guy, but not Tanner, and the only difference was what color they were.  So then we found out that even the nice people can be dummies about skin color.

Zenobia: It used to be perfectly normal to own black people.  They were livestock, like horses or cows. 

Ty: Frodo said it's like when you throw a rock in the lake.  Owning black people was the big splash, but then all them little waves happen.  Stuff like when you think the best way is being white and going to church and even being a boy instead of a girl.  That's the waves.

Fred: More like the rock was the moon and the splash made tsunamis!  People think the waves are zag-rated or pretend but they aren't.   I don't want Ty to get dead because he's browner than me.

Ty: Lets show them Grandpa Mace's sign.

 

Fred drags a huge poster board into camera range.

Fred: Red is Jenny, Yellow is Vivica, Black is Ty, and White is me.  We're all friends. 

Zenobia: There are different kinds of each color, too, if you think about it.  Just calling Nakoma and Joe "Indians" ignores the fact that they're different tribes.

Ty:  You're not sposed to say Indian.  You're sposed to say Native American.

Zenobia: You're right.  Nowadays some people get upset about the terms we use.  You boys have been saying black this whole time when you should be saying African-American. 

Ty and Freddy (giggling): Busted!  

Zenobia (to camera): The message is clear here.  We've come a long way, but there is still work to be done.  We all need to work on this, no matter where our ancestors came from.  Barbieville was founded as a haven from racism, but even here, it happens.  

Santa Visits Barbieville!

Courtesy of the museum, Santa photos are free for children under the age of twelve.  He arrived this morning after the parade.

Boudica: Seriously, Mom, can't you get an older lady to play Mrs. Claus?  

Helena: Some children are frightened of Santa and the opposite of old and male....

Guinness and Boudica:  Is young and female.

Helena: Besides, you aren't his wife.  You're one of his elves. 

The Sulu children are first in line.

Vivica: Santa, this is our new baby.  Her name is Dixie.

Santa: And what would Dixie like me to bring her?

Vivica: She likes juice.  Can you bring her juice?

Santa: Of course.  What would you and Bobby like this year?

Bobby: A Switch and PlayStation and Xbox and lots of games and... 

Vivica: Hey! Mommy said no being a greedy butt! (to Santa) But yeah, we've tried to be good so you would bring us a video game system.  

Ty Dean is next.

Ty: My big brother says all of your reindeer are girls.  He says boy reindeers lose their antlers in the winter.  But Rudolph is a boy name, right? 

Santa: Well, now.  Frodo seems to be under the impression they're normal reindeer.  He's mistaken, of course, since normal reindeer cannot fly.  You may tell him that some of my deer are girls and some of them are boys.  

Ty: YES!  Thank you, Santa!  (Runs off without asking for anything.)

Jenny Montez pauses to show Santa her candy-cane dress before the picture is taken.

Jenny: You picked a good helper this year, Santa.  Boudica helps Doctor Marcus take care of my Uncle Billy.  

Santa (exchanging a glance with Boudica): It was very nice of her to help.  My wife and elves are all very busy, you know.  

Jenny: And last year her big sissy helped you, but that silly Zenobia pretended to be an elf.  Why'd she do that for? 

Santa: Today Boudica is an elf.  My helpers always are.

Jenny: What I would like for Christmas is a big-girl bicycle.  Wif training wheels, so Daddy can take them off when I get even bigger.  I have been very good and don't even sass Auntie Charlotte.

Guinness is surprised to see Anakin.  

Kelly: Oh, Santa, look!  This is Anakin and he's gonna be our uncle soon!  His mommy didn't let you come to her house, but now he lives with us and you can bring him goodies, too! 

Santa: Yes, of course I'll bring Anakin goodies.  What would you like, young man? 

Anakin: Nothing for me, sir.  I'm very happy with what I have. 

Kelly: Ask him to help your mommy not get sick no more!  (To Santa) Sometimes Pern takes medicine wrong.  But we don't want her to get dead. 

Roxy: Kelly!  What did Pocahontas tell us about don't tell secrets that can make people cry?

Anakin: That's not what she meant, Roxy.  (winks at "Santa") My mommy's problem isn't a secret, anyway. 

Kelly: Fine then.  You can ask for a car with muscles. 

Anakin: I'm too young for a car, goofball.  (To Santa) We will write to you at the North Pole with our wish lists. C'mon, girls, other kids are waiting!

The three youngest Pike children clamor onto Santa's lap.  Well, two of them - Orlando needs Boudica to soothe him a bit.  

Fred: My big brothers said to ask you for a really big toy box because my toys are taking over our room.  But me and the babies really bad want you to make a baby grow in Silvie's belly.

Santa (shocked): Silvie?  Sylvia Guinness?

Fred (giggling): No, silly.  Silver Stream.  Grandpa Mace's girl horse.

Santa (relieved): I'll see what I can do. 

Santa: Stacie, you didn't want to be in the picture? 

Stacie (leans close and whispers): I know that's you, Mr. Guinness, working for the real Santa.  Don't worry, I won't tell the littles.  Grandpa Mace will handle the horse baby thing.

Guinness: Good to know.  And thank you, Miss Pike.

Anakin: Come on, Stacie, hurry. Our grown-ups are waiting in the lobby.  We're going to the Oriental Buffet!  

Stacie: I love that place!  Sushi is so good! 

Anakin: Yuck.  Raw fish.  What did you say to him, anyway? 

Stacie: Just letting him know his secret's safe with me.  Besides, we know he's gonna report back to the real Santa.

Anakin: Uh, yeah.  No need to upset anyone, right? 

Change Is Good, Right?

Life moves on in Barbieville, with changes big and small.

Joe:  Your office is finished.  Again.

Pike: Well, at least you get a steady income from these constant remodels, right? 

Joe: That's true, but it's a little insulting since I did the last two jobs on it.

Pike checks out the "new" office.  

Joe:  Just for the record, I did not choose the wallpaper.  Your bosses did. 

Pike: I kind of like it.  Not as busy as the earlier one.  How's work on the new break room going? 

Joe: The hardest part was finding the best position of the dividing wall.  I wanted to give them room to relax a bit, but didn't want to leave your office too small, either.  

Pike: We usually only have one or two people at a time on break.  We don't need a very big area.

Joe: Well, it should be done tomorrow.  Maybe even by lunchtime.

*******

Grand Opening of Doll County Day Care's new location.

Jenny: Fred!  I dint know you was coming!  Your mommy had to go to work? 

Fred: Grampa Mace is making her shovel horse poop today.  Me and the babies don't wanna do that, so she bringed us here to play! 

Rose-Grace: Sorry for bringing them at the last minute.  I thought some of the older kids would watch them, but Dad's putting us all to work.  Getting the barn ready for winter is a big job. 

John: No problem.  Fred looked thrilled to be here. 

Rose-Grace: He was packing the diaper bag before I hung up the phone.  He's been bursting at the seams to see this place.  And all his little friends. 

John: The feeling is mutual.  We've all been bursting at the seams.  (laughs) Joe's wearing the same shirt as you.  Well, same pattern.  Are the dancing skeletons back into vogue? 

Rose-Grace:  Well, it is getting to be that time of year.  How are things going with Pocahontas?  

John: Great.  I went to see a realtor about selling my house.  Did you know they sell double-wides with up to five bedrooms now?  We might get one of those put in where her current trailer is.

Rose-Grace leaves.  Samara and Orlando join the rest of the children. 

Kelly: We dint go near the big windows, Daddy.  The floor is ax-id over there, right?  

John: Good idea.  Make a game of staying away. When they reinforce those lower panes, I'll magic the acid away and this play area won't be so crowded then.  

Wilma: How come they dint do that before?  We don't wanna fall to our dooms.

John (chuckles): It's just for my peace of mind. I'm a bit afraid of heights. 

*****

Evening at Sunburst.

Whitney: Ready to order, Mrs. Jackson? 

Charlotte (annoyed): My sister isn't here yet.  We'll summon you when we're ready to order, although what I'll find on this menu is beyond me.  

Whitney: The fish is today's special.

Charlotte:  I said we will let you know when we are ready.  Are you dense?

Whitney leaves to take care of her other customers.  Charlotte reaches for her phone right when Batgirl walks in.  

Charlotte: Dear God!  What are you wearing? 

Batgirl: Gabriella told me the seventies called, they want their pantsuit back. (shrugs) It's comfortable and I like it.

Once they've ordered and Whitney brings their drinks, they chat before Charlotte gets to the point.

Charlotte: Have you been talking to the boys' lawyer? 

Batgirl: Only because I want what's best for Mary-Kate and Max.  Charlotte, we both know you weren't cut out to be a mother and, frankly, I'm mystified that you ever had them. 

Charlotte: The only reason Kaden wants them is to control their shares of the estate when the time comes.  Dr. Eaton tried to get me to sign for Kaden to see the medical records.  As if I'm not seeing that my husband is well cared for. 

Batgirl: He isn't just your husband.  He's their father, too.  

Whitney brings their food.

Charlotte: I've eaten the finest Italian food, young lady, and this is a disgrace.  You call this spaghetti and meatballs? 

Batgirl:  This is Barbieville, not Naples.  (to Whitney) Can I get a refill on my drink?  

Whitney: Of course.  Mrs. Jackson, I can have the owner...  

Charlotte: I suppose I'll survive.  (Shoos Whitney away)

Whitney: How are you folks doing over here?  Everything good?

Ty: How come that lady's being such a meanie to you?

Whitney: I guess she's just had a bad day.  

Suzie (sarcastic): You'd think evicting old hippies would put her in a better mood.

Whitney (stifles a laugh): Albus will land on his feet.  He's such a sweetheart, half the town's offered him a place to stay.  

A Little Christmas Silliness

We've all heard of Elf On The Shelf but how about...

Tanner on a nanner

Pike on a bike

Brent on a scent

Ben on a Ken

Nikki on a Ricky

Lee on some tea

Kelly on the telly

Four in a drawer

Ty on an eye