Non-Murder Drama Continues

 Barbieville Elementary School

Qi: What's up with the pink bag, Anakin?  You gay all of a sudden?

Stacie: Don't be stupid.  We're too young to be worrying about if we're gay or not.

Tommy:  So what?  My brother's gay. 

Casey: My dad wears makeup and he ain't gay. 

Anakin: My bookbag broke and I borrowed this from Nakoma.

Marty: No boys in the family you could borrow from?  I mean, I got no problem with the pink, but you could've avoided some teasing. 

Anakin: Me and John are the only guys.  And it's worth a little teasing to have a nice stable family for once. I swear, I feel like a whole new kid.

Casey (to Qi):  I'm sorry you let your wiener limit your choices in life.  

*****  

Barbieville High School

Gabriella: So now Mom is scared Charlotte's lawyer is gonna subpoena her.   

Taylor: Might be for the best if she did.  I know she doesn't want to... 

Snape: Miss Pike, would you care to tell the class what's more important than your lesson?

Snape: Don't bother telling me you started the conversation, Miss Montez.  I'm well aware that you are merely a follower, being influenced by Miss Pike's disregard for rules.   I've made if clear, have I not, that being related to the mayor carries no weight with me? 

Taylor: Yes, sir. I'm sorry. 

Gabriella: Mr. Snape, I was finishing a conversation we started in the hall.  Class hasn't even begun.

Snape: Class begins when the bell rings.  Perhaps you should have your hearing checked. 

*****

Mayor's Office 

Rose-Grace: Thank you all for meeting with me.  The media has been barraging me with questions about what they're calling Deadly Driver, and I don't want to spread misinformation.  Or keep deflecting, for that matter.  The citizens need to know what's happening. 

Carol: Within limits, of course.

Midge: Test results came back as expected.  We did get specifications on paint chips from the victim's bodies, which I shared with the police department.  The vehicle was painted a color called "Green With Envy" which is exclusive to one Automobile manufacturer. 

Lynch: They have three models of the right shape and size.  We're compiling a list of owners, with the intent to interview and visually inspect each of the cars in question.   Agent Danvers has been in touch with the federal profilers.  But Helena and Charlie had so little in common... 

Carol: They're the same sex and age group, both educated professionals.  My guys have done wonders with less than that.  

******

Doll County Day Care, Barbieville

Whitney: Oh My God!  I am not going to go through his phone!  I trust him! 

Esperanza: I'm telling you, he is not spending all this time with his freakin' Grandpa.  He's up to something and I bet she puts out. 

Whitney: I'm picking up Wilma and she doesn't need to hear this garbage.  I trust Tanner.  The end.

Roxy: He's eating all the people that fell outta the train wreck. 

Wilma: No way! A tricycle-tops don't eat meat!  

Whitney: Geez, John, what kind of sickos are you raising? 

John (laughing): Only the best.  Wilma, your mom's here.

Whitney: I hope she behaved today.  We've been having a problem with temper tantrums lately. 

John: She wasn't happy about the choices for after-school snacks, but she took it out on those poor train passengers.  

Wilma: Put me down, Mommy!  I wanna walk! 

Esperanza: Did you see the way he was looking at me?  He wants me. 

Whitney: Sure, Esper, sure.  

Smiths Happen

John waits nervously as the music begins.  The day he's wanted for so long is finally here! 

Best Man Sulu and Maid of Honor Midna seem to take forever to march down the aisle and join him at the front.  Mayor Rose-Grace Pike forces herself not to grin when Sulu winks at her. 

Nakoma and Anakin follow suit, although they do move a bit faster.  John suspects Midna and Sulu went so slow just to prolong his torture.

Roxy (whispering): Kelly, ring bearer stands on Daddy's side. 

Kelly: No way! I ain't no boy! 

As the music swells, Pocahontas pauses before making her entrance.

Albus: Take the bouquet and go claim that man for yourself.

Pocahontas: I wish Mom was here. 

Albus: Kida's here.  She's just disguised as an old man. 

Finally, John stands before his bride.  It took way too long to get here.

Rose-Grace: Who gives this woman in marriage? 

Albus: In her mother's stead, I bless this woman's choice to give herself in marriage. 

Instead of removing "obey" from her traditional vows, they add it to his.  Then the kiss, a rather chaste one despite Sulu's previous urging to make it sexy.  

Rose-Grace: It is my honor to introduce, for the first time ever, John and Pocahontas Smith. 

Sulu: I've known John pretty much all my life.  We practically lived at each other's houses from second grade on.  Pocahontas was always there, too.  We were like the Three Musketeers.

Pocahontas: Or the three stooges.

Sulu (pointedly ignoring her, but waits for laughter to subside):  There was, shall we say, a large bump in the road on the way to this day.  There were times I doubted it would happen, I won't lie, but here we are.  John, my brother from another mother, you deserve every bit of the happiness ahead of you.  And all the butt-kicking that girl's served out - past and future.

Midna: I know it's bad form to bring it up, but I went to college with a broken-hearted gal.  She poured herself into her studies, determined to keep her mother's dream alive despite the fact that her own had evaporated.  I was prepared to hate John.  Instead, I became his biggest cheerleader.  Fate has given John and Pocahontas a second chance.  As deeply as they love one another, they'd be fools to let it go.

Pocahontas: Thank you so much, Albus.  Ever since Dad walked out on us, I planned to do the father/daughter dance with Mom.  You're the closest thing I have now. 

Albus: I've never been happier that she cussed me out for trying to warn her about that guy.  

When the time comes for the groom to dance with his mother, John shocks everyone by cajoling Pern into the spotlight.  Her cheeks nearly as pink as her hair, she joins him.

John: My mother passed away a few years ago and I don't have an Albus.  I chose to honor Pernilla today because she's given me quite a precious gift.  We have full legal custody of Pern's son, my brother-in-law Anakin, who has even taken my surname. 

Nakoma (muttering): Don't do it, John.  

Midna: What? 

Roxy: You don't want nobody to know your name is Smith now, too?

Nakoma: Today is about John and my sister, okay?  It isn't about me or my loser father.

John doesn't do it.  Probably because he was warned beforehand.

 

Santa Visits Barbieville!

Courtesy of the museum, Santa photos are free for children under the age of twelve.  He arrived this morning after the parade.

Boudica: Seriously, Mom, can't you get an older lady to play Mrs. Claus?  

Helena: Some children are frightened of Santa and the opposite of old and male....

Guinness and Boudica:  Is young and female.

Helena: Besides, you aren't his wife.  You're one of his elves. 

The Sulu children are first in line.

Vivica: Santa, this is our new baby.  Her name is Dixie.

Santa: And what would Dixie like me to bring her?

Vivica: She likes juice.  Can you bring her juice?

Santa: Of course.  What would you and Bobby like this year?

Bobby: A Switch and PlayStation and Xbox and lots of games and... 

Vivica: Hey! Mommy said no being a greedy butt! (to Santa) But yeah, we've tried to be good so you would bring us a video game system.  

Ty Dean is next.

Ty: My big brother says all of your reindeer are girls.  He says boy reindeers lose their antlers in the winter.  But Rudolph is a boy name, right? 

Santa: Well, now.  Frodo seems to be under the impression they're normal reindeer.  He's mistaken, of course, since normal reindeer cannot fly.  You may tell him that some of my deer are girls and some of them are boys.  

Ty: YES!  Thank you, Santa!  (Runs off without asking for anything.)

Jenny Montez pauses to show Santa her candy-cane dress before the picture is taken.

Jenny: You picked a good helper this year, Santa.  Boudica helps Doctor Marcus take care of my Uncle Billy.  

Santa (exchanging a glance with Boudica): It was very nice of her to help.  My wife and elves are all very busy, you know.  

Jenny: And last year her big sissy helped you, but that silly Zenobia pretended to be an elf.  Why'd she do that for? 

Santa: Today Boudica is an elf.  My helpers always are.

Jenny: What I would like for Christmas is a big-girl bicycle.  Wif training wheels, so Daddy can take them off when I get even bigger.  I have been very good and don't even sass Auntie Charlotte.

Guinness is surprised to see Anakin.  

Kelly: Oh, Santa, look!  This is Anakin and he's gonna be our uncle soon!  His mommy didn't let you come to her house, but now he lives with us and you can bring him goodies, too! 

Santa: Yes, of course I'll bring Anakin goodies.  What would you like, young man? 

Anakin: Nothing for me, sir.  I'm very happy with what I have. 

Kelly: Ask him to help your mommy not get sick no more!  (To Santa) Sometimes Pern takes medicine wrong.  But we don't want her to get dead. 

Roxy: Kelly!  What did Pocahontas tell us about don't tell secrets that can make people cry?

Anakin: That's not what she meant, Roxy.  (winks at "Santa") My mommy's problem isn't a secret, anyway. 

Kelly: Fine then.  You can ask for a car with muscles. 

Anakin: I'm too young for a car, goofball.  (To Santa) We will write to you at the North Pole with our wish lists. C'mon, girls, other kids are waiting!

The three youngest Pike children clamor onto Santa's lap.  Well, two of them - Orlando needs Boudica to soothe him a bit.  

Fred: My big brothers said to ask you for a really big toy box because my toys are taking over our room.  But me and the babies really bad want you to make a baby grow in Silvie's belly.

Santa (shocked): Silvie?  Sylvia Guinness?

Fred (giggling): No, silly.  Silver Stream.  Grandpa Mace's girl horse.

Santa (relieved): I'll see what I can do. 

Santa: Stacie, you didn't want to be in the picture? 

Stacie (leans close and whispers): I know that's you, Mr. Guinness, working for the real Santa.  Don't worry, I won't tell the littles.  Grandpa Mace will handle the horse baby thing.

Guinness: Good to know.  And thank you, Miss Pike.

Anakin: Come on, Stacie, hurry. Our grown-ups are waiting in the lobby.  We're going to the Oriental Buffet!  

Stacie: I love that place!  Sushi is so good! 

Anakin: Yuck.  Raw fish.  What did you say to him, anyway? 

Stacie: Just letting him know his secret's safe with me.  Besides, we know he's gonna report back to the real Santa.

Anakin: Uh, yeah.  No need to upset anyone, right? 

The Home Place

Doll County Day Care, early morning.

Jenny: Oh, boy, new giant dollies!  I love the new center so much!

Fred: And army dudes!

Batgirl: John, I don't think you've met my sister Charlotte.  She's considering your day care for her children.

John: Of course.  Step inside, Mrs. Jackson, and have a look around. 

Charlotte: Why are they all barefoot?

John: You'd be surprised how many germs ride on the soles of your shoes.  Also, it saves injuries if the kids get too rambunctious.

Batgirl (after Charlotte has gone inside): Don't count on her as a client.  She's probably not going to get custody - the judge has already awarded temporary custody to her stepson.  She's just keeping up appearances.

John: Shame.  Your girls were always a delight and if their cousins are anything like them...

Batgirl: Honestly, Joe and I have a better shot at custody than she does.  

John: I didn't know you were trying for custody.

Batgirl: We aren't.

Sylvia: Hi, I'm Miss Sylvia.  Welcome to bedlam.

Charlotte: You work here?  What are your qualifications?

Sylvia: My minor is in Education and I love children.  

Charlotte: And your Major?

Sylvia: Environmental Sciences.  I attend the local university.

Charlotte: What's this?  Surely the children aren't expected to read this?

Sylvia: Guidelines for the parents.  It amazes me how little some of them realize the needs of children.  My personal favorite is number 42.  

Jenny:  Look, Auntie Charlotte!  A astronaut lady doll! 

Charlotte: Be quiet, Jennifer, the adults are talking.

*****

Saturday morning, at the Oriental Buffet.

John: Pocahontas and I narrowed the options down to the houses we're looking at today and we want your opinions, since you'll be living there, too. 

Pocahontas:  If you have misgivings about a place, tell us.  No matter how dumb you might feel it is.  

Anakin: What if Mommy gets permission to have me again?  

Pocahontas: Then you'll have a nice place to visit your sisters.  Trust me, boy, we're still gonna be in your life unless she takes you to Mars.  

Anakin: Or maybe she could come live with all of us! 

Pocahontas (chuckles): I suppose anything is possible.  We're having this conversation, aren't we?  

Roxy: Cause of me and Anakin.

Kelly:  I helped! Dint I help, Nakoma? 

Nakoma: I'm sure you did.  Once we settle on a house, can we start planning a wedding?

John: What do you think?  Me and you could do some male bonding in that garage.

Kelly: I wanna male bondage, too! 

Anakin: Male means boy, you goofball.  Like rebuilding muscle cars together and stuff.

Kelly: Cars don't got muscles.  Daddy, tell him!  Cars got motors!

John (winks at Anakin): Yeah, Anakin, you goofball.  Cars don't got muscles.

Roxy: I like that porch and flowers all around it.

Pocahontas: Yes, but those flower beds take a lot of work to maintain.

Roxy: No problem.  Albus will come do it for us.  He has a nice garden at The Point.

Pocahontas: Albus will have his hands full with his own garden, wherever he ends up.  

Roxy: I still can't believe Batgirl's mean sister is making him move.

Pocahontas: Me, too.  But you know what?  I bet Albus would love to teach you how to garden.  Then, if we decide on this house, that will be your job.

Kelly (crying):  Don't like this house!  It is mean!

Anakin: There at the top of the steps, when you turn the corner toward the bedrooms.  I felt like zombies were gonna bust through the wall and eat me.  

Nakoma: I thought I was imagining things until I saw how you guys were reacting.  Roxy wouldn't even go up the stairs.  But John and Pocahontas didn't notice anything.

Anakin: Kids are more sensitive to stuff like that.  Ghosts or whatever.

Pocahontas: There seems to be a consensus on this house, but it's only three bedrooms.

Nakoma: Are you still on about that?  I told you I'm fine sharing.  But I do think we girls should get that room with the balcony.

Roxy: If we gotta fit three beds in there, shouldn't we take the biggest room?  The blue flowery bedroom is the biggest.

Nakoma: Kelly's is a toddler bed.  We can fit into the balcony room.

Pocahontas: Kelly will outgrow that toddler bed in no time.  Roxy's right.  Besides, I'm calling dibs on the balcony room.  

*****

Ladies' Lounge, Doll County Country Club.

Helena: Lottie Gordon.  I need to have words with you.

Charlotte: My name is not Lottie Gordon, it's Charlotte Jackson. What do you want, Helena?  Going to bully me some more like you did in school? 

Helena: What do you call buying out a major source of revenue for Barbieville and shutting it down?  I'd call that bullying.  

Charlotte:  I don't care.  I came back to rub it in all your faces that I'm not trailer trash anymore, and I'm going to do it.

Helena: No, Lottie, you are still trailer trash.  Money does not buy class. 

Charlotte:  I'll have you know -- 

Helena: I know what I need to know.  You will not put half of Barbieville out of work on my watch. 

Charlotte: You can't stop me.  I can buy and sell you fifty times over.

Helena: You can't buy and sell the entire town if we join forces against you.  And trust me, we will if you keep this up.  

***Reminder to readers: Charlotte's offspring live at Our Toy Story on Facebook.*****  

Family Ties

On the last day of the Baptiste family reunion, Nikki and Taylor take the stage. The venue for the event is, oddly considering the location, decorated with ocean life...  

Taylor: In case anyone doesn't recognize us, we're the daughters of Orlando.  He was killed in action when we were still in diapers, so we don't have memories of our own to share, but so many of you have told us stories of Daddy.  We were a little leery of coming, to be honest, because we were legal adopted by our stepfather and we weren't sure if we'd be welcome.

Nikki: Almost nobody has tried to make us feel bad about being the Pike girls now.   Orlando Baptiste always has been and always will be our Daddy.  The Pike family hasn't acted like we have to give Daddy up  -- Grandma says love of family isn't bound by law -- and we're so glad the Baptiste family understands that, too. 

The next day, the girls get in some sightseeing on the way to the airport.  Their uncle is amused by their reaction to the Arizona desert.  

Nikki (singing):  I've been through the desert on a horse with no mane...

Taylor: Name.  Horse with no name.

Nikki: I know, it's funnier this way.

Taylor: Can you imagine living in these tiny rooms, with so many people?  

Nikki: I know!  Remind me of this next time I gripe about sharing a room with Stacie and you. 

Nikki (giggling): We're posing in front of a giant butt. 

Taylor:  Butte.  You're a giant butt. 

*****

Meanwhile, back in Barbieville.....

Sulu: I cannot believe you didn't tell me you two were back together! 

John: Hey, I wanted to tell you first and she wanted to tell Midna first and then we both felt like we should tell our families first....   We decided to just surprise all of you at once. 

Sulu: Surprise is right.  I would have dropped the baby if Albus hadn't been playing with her.

Albus: I nearly dropped Dixie when she kissed John.  

Midna: You could have knocked me over with a feather!  I knew she was softening... but wow... 

Albus: Well, I'm glad to see it.  They would have been together a long time ago if not for adolescent stupidity.  Not that we can really complain, since two delightful children resulted from that.

Roxy:  Can me and Kelly be your flower girls at your wedding?  

Kelly: We'll be good! 

Pocahontas: Slow down there.  John and I need to take a little time to make sure we're still that much in sync before any wedding gets planned.   But I promise, girls, if it happens, you will be part of the party. 

Nakoma: So, Christmas wedding, then? 

Anakin: I was thinking Thanksgiving. 

Pocahontas (amused): As long as you understand it's not going to be Halloween. 

Anakin and Nakoma: A Halloween wedding?!  That would be so cool!