Here Comes The Grooms

 Oksana hurries into the venue on a very important mission.

Oksana: Now, don't forget.  Grampy Dean and them got stucked in a blizzard, so they gotta watch on my tablet.  Make sure you got it pointed the right way and... 

Bonnie:  I'll take that, Ox.  Don't worry.  The Mellarks are in good hands. 

Oksana: OK.  Daddy P said he's gonna be really mad if you mess up! 

Bonnie: As he should be. 

Peeta and Ken come down separate aisles, Peeta accompanied by Oksana and Ken by Tommy.  

Wilma:  Oh, Mommy, look... 

Whitney (covering Wilma's mouth and whispering) This is why I had to talk them into letting you come.  You have to be quiet. 

Peeta spares a sad glance at the empty seats his family should be in, nearly stumbling over Oksana as he does.  He hopes no one noticed.  

Tanner and Finnick stand at the front, acting as Best Man for each of the grooms.  Mayor Rose-Grace Pike acts as officiant.   The ceremony is simple, an exchange of the traditional vows.  Oksana keeps a close eye one her aunt Bonnie, making sure Grampy Dean's family can see. 

Finnick:  Tanner designated me to make a speech for both of us, since I "do sappy stuff" better and since we have the same story.  Ken was the first person to befriend the new kids to town.  (pause) It was never a secret that Peeta was gay. Peeta says that's because he's Jewish and used to being persecuted, but really it's just that Ken's a bit of a wuss.  Took Ken almost three years to let us in on his secret.  He was afraid we'd run screaming for the hills, which was pretty stupid of him.

Ken:  Yeah, it was. 

Finnick: We were glad when  they finally hooked up after all the times we'd advised them to.  In the wise words of Frodo Dean (nods at Frodo) "You ain't gonna find anyone more compatible ever."   Some folks will say they're too young to marry, but those people do not know Peeta and Ken.  (toasts them)  Now, a few words from Miss Oksana Carson-Mellark.  Or is it Mellark-Carson?

Oksana: Just Carson.  My daddies decided that was easier.  (deep breath) The orphan house lady told me I was gonna have two daddies and I said "WHAT?" I didn't even know that sometimes boys marry boys!  Then my friend Vash got dopted by two mommies!  Anyways... I'm super happy to see my new daddies get married and promise to be a good daughter as much as I can.  Now it's Grammy Doreen's turn.

Doreen: I met Dean Mellark went he came to work at the school.  We bonded over both having been recently widowed and were happy when our sons became fast friends.  We were both delighted - if a bit surprised, to be honest - when they started dating and now I'm standing here making a speech for both of us at our boys' wedding. Now, let's stop talking and start celebrating! 

The Eaton-Prior Wedding

 

Four:  See, I told you it would be fine.  Not real fancy, but everyone's having fun and at the end of the day, you will be Beatrice Eaton.  Finally. 

Tris: You say that like we've been waiting twenty years. (fondly) We haven't even been alive twenty years.  You're so weird. 

Hagrid: You don't have to sit with me.  I'm not here as a guest, but it's my nature preserve and I gotta make sure everything goes right. 

Lynch: I'm not really a guest, either.  I'm security.  (laughs at his confusion) They asked me to wear the uniform in case her folks show up and start something. I doubt anything will happen - they've disowned her and that was the end of it for them.

Hagrid: Why'd they disown such a sweet gal? 

Lynch (sighs heavily):  Racism.  Esmeralda's not exactly WASP, therefore her sons are tainted.

Albus: I definitely have the best looking dates here.  

Midna: We aren't your dates, Albus.  

Zenobia: Speak for yourself.  I always have Albus as my date for weddings because I know he's not going to expect anything later.  At least not anything I'm not into. 

Midna (laughing): He is good for that, isn't he? No pressure.

Violet: I thought Tris specified no children under ten? 

Pern: She made an exception for me, so Anakin could be my date.  Where's your date?

Violet: Dean's working on COVID precautions at the high school.  

Anakin: I could have two dates.  Albus does.

Pern: My son doesn't date married women.

Marcus: Not exactly what I had in mind for my boy's wedding, but I like it.  

Esmeralda: She's exactly what I had in mind.  Oh, you're talking about the party?  We were going for Old-fashioned Church Picnic.  Potluck dinner and all. 

Marcus: No slicing the cake, no toasts or dances.  It seems off to me, but the important thing is that it's legal and they're happy.  

Esmeralda: I blame the Priors for all that.  We can't have a bride's dance with her father, so having the rest just seems... cruel isn't the right word.  Distracting, I guess.  Today isn't about her stupid parents.

Kevin: Got your speech all ready? 

Django: I don't know why they want one - they're the ones who have to make public promises.  And welcoming her into the family now, after she's been a part of it so long, seems pointless.  

Kevin: I think accepting your formal welcome is part of it.  Four ain't the only one she's making promises to. 

Jessie: I start work with Joe Montez next week.  I think you know his daughters?

Cedric: Courtney is in my grade.  Gabriella's in Kevin's.  

Jessie: They seem like nice girls.  

Cedric: Oh, no, you don't.  Do not go playing matchmaker! 

Frodo: Look at them with real girlfriends and I'm stuck back here with you.

Mariko: Gee, thanks.  (Points toward Jeremiah and Nova)  I was stuck with those two.  Their brains are still on the honeymoon. 

Frodo: Yeah, at least the twins know other people exist besides Nakoma and Whitney.  

Finnick: We hear you back there, talking about us. Pull your blanket up here, losers. 

        

Four and Tris call to get everyone's attention.  The tables have been set up inside the small shelter, and decorations posted. 

Four: Thank you, everyone, for being here today.  I'm here to promise this woman, Beatrice Prior, that for the rest of my life I will love her and do everything within my power to make her happy.  I'll take care of her and stay with her no matter what fate throws at us.  

Tris (nervously): I stand before you to affirm my love and respect for Tobias Eaton, under any circumstances.  I vow to never waver as we grow old together.  We are young but we're ready and willing to take on marriage (takes his hand) and the world with it. 

At a nod from the groom, Django joins them and addresses Tris. 

Django:  I've been appointed  to stand up here and speak for the family.  My grandson hasn't followed many of the traditional ways, for my people or his father's people, but I am proud of the man he's become.  I'm also proud of the choices he's made for himself, and that includes you.  You are everything he deserves- a capable, kind woman with no room in her heart for anyone but him.  Pretty, too.  (Chuckles)  Tris, we welcome you to the family whole-heartedly.  As of this moment, you are officially one of us. 

Rose-Grace doesn't speak.  There is no need for words.  She points to where the signatures belong and hands Four a pen.  Heedless of his white suit, he kneels and signs with a flourish.  Tris leans carefully, remembering her strapless dress, while she does the same.  

Rose-Grace: For the first time anywhere, I present Tobias and Beatrice Eaton.  (Applause)  And I know it's not part of the legal stuff, but... you may kiss the bride. 

The party begins after a chaste kiss. 

Lynch: I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you.  Sulu and I are having a bit of a dilemma and I was hoping you could give me some insight. 

Rose-Grace: Me?  As a mom or as a wife? 

Lynch:  As a mom and as a black woman, to be frank.  Bobby and Viv are bringing stories home from school that their little sister has a "black-people-hating" name. 

Rose-Grace: What's her name again? 

Lynch: Dixie.  After my grandmother.

Rose-Grace (thoughtful): I can see the problem, especially with you being a cop.  Dixie is the Old South, slavery, Scarlett O'Hara, all those things.  And with so many people thinking that all cops are racist bastards... 

Lynch: We did joke about it sounding like a stripper name, but the race thing escaped us. 

Rose-Grace:  Come by my office tomorrow.   We'll have lunch and talk about this.  I need some time to process what I want to advise you.

Albus and Anakin confess the real reason they accepted their dates' invitation.

Zenobia: Seriously, dude?  You can't shame me with that.  I'll be single forever and a day!

Frodo: It's not my fault I got white boy rhythm from the Dean side of the family!

Zenobia: Seriously, Albus?  You know we're both gonna be single til the grave.

Albus pretends not to notice, even though both the other men laugh.  He'll be wasted later... but not here and now, out of respect for the newlyweds.

Totally staged.  These four ain't fooling anyone.  Well, maybe themselves.

The end.  I mean, the beginning.    

After The Shower

 Reminder and warning:  Dirty talk and invisible-to-the-reader masks.

Midna:  We should keep these decorations, for the wedding.  Even if you aren't going all traditional, it'll be a nice touch.  At least around the area where the signing of the document is going to happen. 

Tris: Way ahead of you.  Four and Bapo are picking me up when they get done at the realtor and we're headed out there to get an idea where we want to set up.  The decorations won't go up until the day of, but we'll take them with us.

Midna:  Realtor?  

Hank:  Unfortunately, I don't seem to have anything available within your price range, gentlemen.  Unless you're willing to pay more, I'm afraid there isn't much I can do for you. 

Four: I've got an idea, Bapo.  Dad and Mom are giving us that money as a wedding gift...  

Django: Absolutely not.  That's meant to get you a start in your married life.  

Four: We could find a property that serves as both home and business.  Maybe a place with a detached garage we could convert?  You know Jessie would help.  All these commercial lots are way too big for what we need, anyway. 

Django: It's a thought.  I'm not too keen on you investing so much, though.

Four: I'd be investing in a home, too.  Two birds with one stone. 

Django: Tris would be okay with that? 

Four: It was her idea. 

Tris: You're late.

Four: Yeah, I had to talk Bapo into your idea.  Higgins tried to sell us things like the old grocery store.  

Tris:  He went for it? 

Four: Only after Higgins flat told us we couldn't afford anything on just his money.  (looking at the gifts)  We got some good stuff.  There's a whole kitchen here.

Zenobia (teasing): Just in a big hurry to get away from me.  I see how you are.

Four: Actually, we had an idea about that.  Bapo is renting camper space at The Point, but I told Jessie you might be willing to take her on as a roomie when we move out.  

Tris: I know you two don't know each other very well, but I was practically a stranger when you let me move in with you.  

Zenobia: I like Jessie.  Missed her today, but she couldn't make it.  She works too much.  

Midna: Okay, I think everything is stable.  Unless y'all go rip-tearing around, it'll make it to Django's car intact.  Just be careful and take it slow. 

Four (snickers): Seems I heard that advice earlier today.  (exchanges a significant glance with Tris)  Talked to Bapo. 

Tris: I hope he was more help than these guys were. 

Midna: I don't know what you wanted.  Step by step diagrams? 

Zenobia: I think I have some books at home with those.

Tris: No, Zenobia, you have smut. (sticks her tongue out)  I looked through your bookshelves.

Zenobia: Don't stick it out unless you intend to use it. 

Four:  She does intend to use it.  Just not on you. 

Tris:  Mariko ran home real quick and brought me this.  It's a pamphlet from her parents' old counseling office.  It's for people with sexual dysfunction, but she said the advice in it is good for a couple of virgins, too. 

Four: Mariko never fails to surprise me.  (Looks around)  Where is she? 

Tris: She said she had somewhere important to be, but I think she was just getting out of clean up duty.  

 

Tris's Bridal Shower

 Note:  Masks in Barbieville are invisible to readers.  

Also some "dirty talk".  Consider yourselves warned.  

Sunburst is closed on Wednesday, but Midna insisted on it being the venue for Tris's bridal shower. 

Tris: I know I insisted on an old-fashioned bridal shower instead of a Bachelorette Party, but now that we're all here, I do have a question for y'all.  Those of you with experience in the area, anyway.  How do I make sure we have a good sex life?  Neither one of us has any clue what we're doing.

 

Zenobia (pretending anger): Oh, I see how you are!  Gotta be a G-rated with the games and decor, but you wanna talk dirty! 

Pern (laughing): I think she's secretly a pervert.

Tris: Seriously.  It's a big deal.  I've been trying to read up on the subject, but... 

Pern: Oh, it's not something you can learn from a book.  I mean, you can learn the biology, but not the stuff you're worried about.  That's personal stuff.

Tris: I've tried to talk to Zenobia about this, but all she ever tells me is to jump his bones.  Esmeralda just keeps saying it'll be fine, but I feel weird pressing his mother for details.  

Zenobia: But here you are, with her sitting right over there. 

Pern: Well, your first time is not gonna be like in the movies.  It's going to be awkward and not real satisfying.  I've never met anyone who had a first time like in the movies.

Tris: Esmeralda did tell us we'll get better with practice. 

Mariko: Communication is the important thing.  (at the others' reaction)  What?  You don't have to be a married mom to know stuff.

Esmeralda: I don't think you've even had a sweetheart in all the time I've known you. 

Whitney: She hasn't.  

Mariko: Sex is just another part of a relationship, and communication is important in any relationship.  You can't expect people to know what you like unless you tell them.  

Violet:  She's right.  (to Mariko)  No offense, but you are the last person I expected that kind of insight from.  

Esmeralda: One thing I always hated is that whole thing, expecting your man to know why you're upset.  This really is just an different version of the idea. (To Mariko)  How did you know that when women my age still haven't figured it out?

Mariko: Osmosis.  My parents are both relationship counselors. Well, psychologists, technically.

Violet (to Tris): Mariko nailed it.  I have nothing to add. 

Esmeralda: Yeah, I don't think anyone can top that.

Zenobia: Now can we do some of these lame party games?  I sweated for hours over a hot printer for these, ya know! 

    

Midna:  Yes, please.  I might have something to contribute in that conversation. 

Zenobia:  The boss has spoken.  (starts to gather materials)  Wait, what?

Smiths Happen

John waits nervously as the music begins.  The day he's wanted for so long is finally here! 

Best Man Sulu and Maid of Honor Midna seem to take forever to march down the aisle and join him at the front.  Mayor Rose-Grace Pike forces herself not to grin when Sulu winks at her. 

Nakoma and Anakin follow suit, although they do move a bit faster.  John suspects Midna and Sulu went so slow just to prolong his torture.

Roxy (whispering): Kelly, ring bearer stands on Daddy's side. 

Kelly: No way! I ain't no boy! 

As the music swells, Pocahontas pauses before making her entrance.

Albus: Take the bouquet and go claim that man for yourself.

Pocahontas: I wish Mom was here. 

Albus: Kida's here.  She's just disguised as an old man. 

Finally, John stands before his bride.  It took way too long to get here.

Rose-Grace: Who gives this woman in marriage? 

Albus: In her mother's stead, I bless this woman's choice to give herself in marriage. 

Instead of removing "obey" from her traditional vows, they add it to his.  Then the kiss, a rather chaste one despite Sulu's previous urging to make it sexy.  

Rose-Grace: It is my honor to introduce, for the first time ever, John and Pocahontas Smith. 

Sulu: I've known John pretty much all my life.  We practically lived at each other's houses from second grade on.  Pocahontas was always there, too.  We were like the Three Musketeers.

Pocahontas: Or the three stooges.

Sulu (pointedly ignoring her, but waits for laughter to subside):  There was, shall we say, a large bump in the road on the way to this day.  There were times I doubted it would happen, I won't lie, but here we are.  John, my brother from another mother, you deserve every bit of the happiness ahead of you.  And all the butt-kicking that girl's served out - past and future.

Midna: I know it's bad form to bring it up, but I went to college with a broken-hearted gal.  She poured herself into her studies, determined to keep her mother's dream alive despite the fact that her own had evaporated.  I was prepared to hate John.  Instead, I became his biggest cheerleader.  Fate has given John and Pocahontas a second chance.  As deeply as they love one another, they'd be fools to let it go.

Pocahontas: Thank you so much, Albus.  Ever since Dad walked out on us, I planned to do the father/daughter dance with Mom.  You're the closest thing I have now. 

Albus: I've never been happier that she cussed me out for trying to warn her about that guy.  

When the time comes for the groom to dance with his mother, John shocks everyone by cajoling Pern into the spotlight.  Her cheeks nearly as pink as her hair, she joins him.

John: My mother passed away a few years ago and I don't have an Albus.  I chose to honor Pernilla today because she's given me quite a precious gift.  We have full legal custody of Pern's son, my brother-in-law Anakin, who has even taken my surname. 

Nakoma (muttering): Don't do it, John.  

Midna: What? 

Roxy: You don't want nobody to know your name is Smith now, too?

Nakoma: Today is about John and my sister, okay?  It isn't about me or my loser father.

John doesn't do it.  Probably because he was warned beforehand.