Here Comes The Grooms

 Oksana hurries into the venue on a very important mission.

Oksana: Now, don't forget.  Grampy Dean and them got stucked in a blizzard, so they gotta watch on my tablet.  Make sure you got it pointed the right way and... 

Bonnie:  I'll take that, Ox.  Don't worry.  The Mellarks are in good hands. 

Oksana: OK.  Daddy P said he's gonna be really mad if you mess up! 

Bonnie: As he should be. 

Peeta and Ken come down separate aisles, Peeta accompanied by Oksana and Ken by Tommy.  

Wilma:  Oh, Mommy, look... 

Whitney (covering Wilma's mouth and whispering) This is why I had to talk them into letting you come.  You have to be quiet. 

Peeta spares a sad glance at the empty seats his family should be in, nearly stumbling over Oksana as he does.  He hopes no one noticed.  

Tanner and Finnick stand at the front, acting as Best Man for each of the grooms.  Mayor Rose-Grace Pike acts as officiant.   The ceremony is simple, an exchange of the traditional vows.  Oksana keeps a close eye one her aunt Bonnie, making sure Grampy Dean's family can see. 

Finnick:  Tanner designated me to make a speech for both of us, since I "do sappy stuff" better and since we have the same story.  Ken was the first person to befriend the new kids to town.  (pause) It was never a secret that Peeta was gay. Peeta says that's because he's Jewish and used to being persecuted, but really it's just that Ken's a bit of a wuss.  Took Ken almost three years to let us in on his secret.  He was afraid we'd run screaming for the hills, which was pretty stupid of him.

Ken:  Yeah, it was. 

Finnick: We were glad when  they finally hooked up after all the times we'd advised them to.  In the wise words of Frodo Dean (nods at Frodo) "You ain't gonna find anyone more compatible ever."   Some folks will say they're too young to marry, but those people do not know Peeta and Ken.  (toasts them)  Now, a few words from Miss Oksana Carson-Mellark.  Or is it Mellark-Carson?

Oksana: Just Carson.  My daddies decided that was easier.  (deep breath) The orphan house lady told me I was gonna have two daddies and I said "WHAT?" I didn't even know that sometimes boys marry boys!  Then my friend Vash got dopted by two mommies!  Anyways... I'm super happy to see my new daddies get married and promise to be a good daughter as much as I can.  Now it's Grammy Doreen's turn.

Doreen: I met Dean Mellark went he came to work at the school.  We bonded over both having been recently widowed and were happy when our sons became fast friends.  We were both delighted - if a bit surprised, to be honest - when they started dating and now I'm standing here making a speech for both of us at our boys' wedding. Now, let's stop talking and start celebrating! 

Non-Murder Drama Continues

 Barbieville Elementary School

Qi: What's up with the pink bag, Anakin?  You gay all of a sudden?

Stacie: Don't be stupid.  We're too young to be worrying about if we're gay or not.

Tommy:  So what?  My brother's gay. 

Casey: My dad wears makeup and he ain't gay. 

Anakin: My bookbag broke and I borrowed this from Nakoma.

Marty: No boys in the family you could borrow from?  I mean, I got no problem with the pink, but you could've avoided some teasing. 

Anakin: Me and John are the only guys.  And it's worth a little teasing to have a nice stable family for once. I swear, I feel like a whole new kid.

Casey (to Qi):  I'm sorry you let your wiener limit your choices in life.  

*****  

Barbieville High School

Gabriella: So now Mom is scared Charlotte's lawyer is gonna subpoena her.   

Taylor: Might be for the best if she did.  I know she doesn't want to... 

Snape: Miss Pike, would you care to tell the class what's more important than your lesson?

Snape: Don't bother telling me you started the conversation, Miss Montez.  I'm well aware that you are merely a follower, being influenced by Miss Pike's disregard for rules.   I've made if clear, have I not, that being related to the mayor carries no weight with me? 

Taylor: Yes, sir. I'm sorry. 

Gabriella: Mr. Snape, I was finishing a conversation we started in the hall.  Class hasn't even begun.

Snape: Class begins when the bell rings.  Perhaps you should have your hearing checked. 

*****

Mayor's Office 

Rose-Grace: Thank you all for meeting with me.  The media has been barraging me with questions about what they're calling Deadly Driver, and I don't want to spread misinformation.  Or keep deflecting, for that matter.  The citizens need to know what's happening. 

Carol: Within limits, of course.

Midge: Test results came back as expected.  We did get specifications on paint chips from the victim's bodies, which I shared with the police department.  The vehicle was painted a color called "Green With Envy" which is exclusive to one Automobile manufacturer. 

Lynch: They have three models of the right shape and size.  We're compiling a list of owners, with the intent to interview and visually inspect each of the cars in question.   Agent Danvers has been in touch with the federal profilers.  But Helena and Charlie had so little in common... 

Carol: They're the same sex and age group, both educated professionals.  My guys have done wonders with less than that.  

******

Doll County Day Care, Barbieville

Whitney: Oh My God!  I am not going to go through his phone!  I trust him! 

Esperanza: I'm telling you, he is not spending all this time with his freakin' Grandpa.  He's up to something and I bet she puts out. 

Whitney: I'm picking up Wilma and she doesn't need to hear this garbage.  I trust Tanner.  The end.

Roxy: He's eating all the people that fell outta the train wreck. 

Wilma: No way! A tricycle-tops don't eat meat!  

Whitney: Geez, John, what kind of sickos are you raising? 

John (laughing): Only the best.  Wilma, your mom's here.

Whitney: I hope she behaved today.  We've been having a problem with temper tantrums lately. 

John: She wasn't happy about the choices for after-school snacks, but she took it out on those poor train passengers.  

Wilma: Put me down, Mommy!  I wanna walk! 

Esperanza: Did you see the way he was looking at me?  He wants me. 

Whitney: Sure, Esper, sure.  

Change Is Good, Right?

Life moves on in Barbieville, with changes big and small.

Joe:  Your office is finished.  Again.

Pike: Well, at least you get a steady income from these constant remodels, right? 

Joe: That's true, but it's a little insulting since I did the last two jobs on it.

Pike checks out the "new" office.  

Joe:  Just for the record, I did not choose the wallpaper.  Your bosses did. 

Pike: I kind of like it.  Not as busy as the earlier one.  How's work on the new break room going? 

Joe: The hardest part was finding the best position of the dividing wall.  I wanted to give them room to relax a bit, but didn't want to leave your office too small, either.  

Pike: We usually only have one or two people at a time on break.  We don't need a very big area.

Joe: Well, it should be done tomorrow.  Maybe even by lunchtime.

*******

Grand Opening of Doll County Day Care's new location.

Jenny: Fred!  I dint know you was coming!  Your mommy had to go to work? 

Fred: Grampa Mace is making her shovel horse poop today.  Me and the babies don't wanna do that, so she bringed us here to play! 

Rose-Grace: Sorry for bringing them at the last minute.  I thought some of the older kids would watch them, but Dad's putting us all to work.  Getting the barn ready for winter is a big job. 

John: No problem.  Fred looked thrilled to be here. 

Rose-Grace: He was packing the diaper bag before I hung up the phone.  He's been bursting at the seams to see this place.  And all his little friends. 

John: The feeling is mutual.  We've all been bursting at the seams.  (laughs) Joe's wearing the same shirt as you.  Well, same pattern.  Are the dancing skeletons back into vogue? 

Rose-Grace:  Well, it is getting to be that time of year.  How are things going with Pocahontas?  

John: Great.  I went to see a realtor about selling my house.  Did you know they sell double-wides with up to five bedrooms now?  We might get one of those put in where her current trailer is.

Rose-Grace leaves.  Samara and Orlando join the rest of the children. 

Kelly: We dint go near the big windows, Daddy.  The floor is ax-id over there, right?  

John: Good idea.  Make a game of staying away. When they reinforce those lower panes, I'll magic the acid away and this play area won't be so crowded then.  

Wilma: How come they dint do that before?  We don't wanna fall to our dooms.

John (chuckles): It's just for my peace of mind. I'm a bit afraid of heights. 

*****

Evening at Sunburst.

Whitney: Ready to order, Mrs. Jackson? 

Charlotte (annoyed): My sister isn't here yet.  We'll summon you when we're ready to order, although what I'll find on this menu is beyond me.  

Whitney: The fish is today's special.

Charlotte:  I said we will let you know when we are ready.  Are you dense?

Whitney leaves to take care of her other customers.  Charlotte reaches for her phone right when Batgirl walks in.  

Charlotte: Dear God!  What are you wearing? 

Batgirl: Gabriella told me the seventies called, they want their pantsuit back. (shrugs) It's comfortable and I like it.

Once they've ordered and Whitney brings their drinks, they chat before Charlotte gets to the point.

Charlotte: Have you been talking to the boys' lawyer? 

Batgirl: Only because I want what's best for Mary-Kate and Max.  Charlotte, we both know you weren't cut out to be a mother and, frankly, I'm mystified that you ever had them. 

Charlotte: The only reason Kaden wants them is to control their shares of the estate when the time comes.  Dr. Eaton tried to get me to sign for Kaden to see the medical records.  As if I'm not seeing that my husband is well cared for. 

Batgirl: He isn't just your husband.  He's their father, too.  

Whitney brings their food.

Charlotte: I've eaten the finest Italian food, young lady, and this is a disgrace.  You call this spaghetti and meatballs? 

Batgirl:  This is Barbieville, not Naples.  (to Whitney) Can I get a refill on my drink?  

Whitney: Of course.  Mrs. Jackson, I can have the owner...  

Charlotte: I suppose I'll survive.  (Shoos Whitney away)

Whitney: How are you folks doing over here?  Everything good?

Ty: How come that lady's being such a meanie to you?

Whitney: I guess she's just had a bad day.  

Suzie (sarcastic): You'd think evicting old hippies would put her in a better mood.

Whitney (stifles a laugh): Albus will land on his feet.  He's such a sweetheart, half the town's offered him a place to stay.  

So Long, Sister

Much to Brent's relief, Kyra's family gets along well with his sister's.  Now he can feel comfortable in taking things to the next level.  On the last day of the visit, they take in the sights of Washington DC.

Kyra: Make sure you can see the Memorial behind us.  It's not often my girls and I get a vacation.  I want photographic evidence it happened.

Brent: Is this really necessary?  You know I hate having my picture taken. 

Kyra: Surely you don't want me to gripe all the way home?

Bertie:  Oh my god!  Delete that!  I look like I have no neck! 

Daisy: You know that shirt does that and wore it anyway.  Suck it up, Buttercup. 

Bertie: Seriously, Daze, I look ridiculous.

Daisy: Siblings shot!  Me and my bro!

Brent: You know, I just wanted  a picture of the Washington Monument.  

Daisy: As seldom as I get to see you?  Did you really think I wasn't going to insist on pictures? 

Whitney: Wilma, where are your shoes?

Wilma: Brent gots them.  We was sticking my toes in the water so the fishies could nibble them.  It tickles, Mommy, you should do it with me. 

As night falls, they pack up The Tank and prepare for the journey home. 

Daisy: Let me know when you get home safely. I don't care what time it is. 

Wilma: Bye bye, new aunties! 

As soon as her brother is out of sight, Daisy bursts into tears. 

Esper: Here come the waterworks.

Bertie: Behave.  You know how much Brent means to her.  When the rest of the family turned their backs on her, he... 

Esper:... turned his back on them.  (To Daisy)  Hey, think of it this way.  If things go well, we might be going to his wedding soon.  

Daisy: She is a wonderful lady, isn't she? I haven't seen him this happy in, well, ever!

Brent: Wendy, turn the stereo down a notch.  I want Nakoma well rested when it's time to switch drivers. 

Wendy (does so):  I think your sister is very cool.  Your parents must be real jerks.  

Brent: They are. 

Kyra: I really can't imagine disowning my child.  (Winks at Whitney) Even if she did have a baby when she was still one herself.

Whitney: Speaking of Wilma, where is she?

Wilma (shouting from the rear sleeping area): I'm taken a nap with Nakoma.  Them new aunties done weared me out.

Meet The Sister

Somewhere between Barbieville and their destination....

Brent: Next rest area, I'll turn the wheel over to you, Nakoma.  Road's starting to hypnotize me.

Nakoma: Even with Kyra talking to you, you've already driven farther than you should have.  I was about to suggest the switch.

Kyra: We're more than halfway there, according to the GPS on my phone.

Eventually, after what feels like forever....

Nakoma: Here we are, folks.  Juniper Hill Campground and RV Court.  

Kyra: Wilma, get out of the way.  Brent and Nakoma are trying to set up the tent.

Wilma: I'm helping!  Why we got the tent anyway?  Lots of beds inside.

Brent: There's five beds and six of us. I'll take the tent since I'm the only boy.  And mind your grandmother.  

Wilma: Boo.  I wanna be a helper.

Whitney: You can help once this hot dog is in your belly.  

Wilma: Mommy said you gotta hold on real tight while we look for your sissy.  

Brent: I will.  Daisy will be in either a red truck or a dark colored car.  Probably the car, since it's hard to cram three grown ups in a truck cab. 

Wilma: Esper ain't no grown-up.

Brent (chuckles): She's as grown-up as your mommy.  

Wilma: Oh, she's that big?  I thought a kid like me or Wendy.  

Brent: Well, your mommy is technically a kid, you know.

Wilma (nearly jumping out of his arms): Car!  Is that them?  Someone is waving real big and crazy.

Brent: That's them.  

Whitney: I'm here to help you down the ladder, Wilma.  

Wilma: I can do it all by myself, Mommy! 

Whitney: I'm here to catch you if you slip.  Is that better, Miss Fussy Britches?

Brent runs to greet Daisy with a big hug.  

Daisy: Wow.  You brought a whole family of hotties.  

Brent: I told you Kyra and her girls were lovely. 

Daisy: Your taste has always been questionable.  (sticks her tongue out at him)  Even that Naomi girl is pretty.  No, not Naomi.  What is it?

After introductions, the party splits into smaller groups.  

Bertie: Brent says you met when he ran against your boss for mayor? 

Kyra: Technically, she's not my boss, the town is.  But she is my best friend.

Daisy (laughs): Oh, that's not awkward at all.

Brent:  Rose-Grace doesn't hold it against me.  In fact, she was impressed that I didn't make the race personal.  This was her third election and last time two people went up against her. Both ran smear campaigns. 

Daisy: We met at my work.  Bertie stops in every morning for coffee and an apple turnover.

Kyra: Whitney's a waitress, too. 

Daisy: It's a gas station.  Hasn't Brent told you anything about us?

Brent: Not about your professional life.

Daisy (to Brent): You're fired.  This woman doesn't even know she's in presence of celebrities.

Brent: Sorry, I don't think of you in term of your jobs.  (To Kyra) Bertie is the anchor for the local news and Esper has had a few roles in musicals.  

Esper: You guys are dating twins?  Are they identical?

Whitney: Yes, identical twins.  Usually we can tell them apart.  Mine is surlier than hers.

Nakoma: Surlier?  Is that even a word? 

Esper: Most of the guys I know are gay.  That stereotype about theatre guys?  Almost totally true.

Whitney:  You do theatre?

Esper (shouts down to Brent):  You're fired!

After a long visit, everyone decides to give Brent and Kyra some private time.  Bertie and Daisy take the two youngest for a hike.  The older teens join them for a bit, but eventually wander off. 

Wilma: Help! I climb-did up here and now I'm stuck! 

Daisy: You aren't very high up - just drop and I can catch you.

Wendy (annoyed): She does this all the time.  

Bertie: For the love of God, don't drop that baby! 

Wilma (indignant): I'm not a baby!  Babies wear dipes!

That evening, Esper posts a selfie on her social media.  She couldn't post it when she took it because there was no signal out there! 

Zenobia's Least Professional Vlog Ever

It's moving day for Zenobia and Tris!

Zenobia: Hi, everyone! We're live!  You might be wondering why no vlogs recently and I'm finally here to explain.  I got a real job and a roomie, all in the same day.  This is my roomie, Tris Prior, and we're moving today. 

Tris: I grew up with the Pike twins and Whitney, who make up 3/4 of Sarcastic Fringehead, so we knew each other in passing, but wasn't until we both showed up at open interviews for Sunburst's new location that we really talked.  

Zenobia: Turns out we've got a lot in common.  We're both the black sheep of the family, for starters.  Tris got booted, but I left under my own accord.  She was couch surfing when we ran into each other at the interview and I offered her a permanent couch.

Tris (laughing): Which is going to be a pain to get into my bedroom!  But, hey, it's my bed.

Wilma climbs onto Zenobia's lap.

Wilma: I wanna be on TV again!  It's fun! 

Zenobia: I'm gonna make the crew cram into camera range and you can introduce everyone, Wilma.

Wilma: YAY! 

A lot of jostling later...  

Wilma: The standing up people are Nakoma, my granny Kyra, my auntie Wendy, Kevin, and Ricky.  The sitters are Finnick, Brent, my mommy Whitney, Four, and Tanner. Someday Nakoma and Finnck are gonna get married.  So are Brent and Grandma and Tanner and Mommy.  Oh, yeah, and Four's gonna marry Tris. 

Zenobia: The Smiths are still on the way here - we piled all the furniture into a rental van and John's driving it.  We'll drag them in front of the camera when they get here.

Ricky: I'm more concerned about when the pizza man gets here.  I'm starving after all this work.

Kevin (scoffs): Wilma's done more work than you. 

Four: Maybe not, but she's sure done less complaining.  

Zenobia: Surprise guests! Hi, guys. 

Ken: We saw John at the traffic light and volunteered to help.  

Zenobia: The more the merrier.  

Peeta: That's what John said!  

John (teasing): Sitting around jawing while there's work to be done.  

Zenobia: We were taking a break while waiting for the slowpoke furniture van.  I've ordered pizza and we're gonna eat before unloading the big stuff.  But first you have to say hi to my subscribers.

John: Hi, Zenobia's subscribers.

Zenobia bullies them into place and Wilma does her thing.

Wilma: John is my babysitter and he wants to get married to Nakoma's sister someday, but Pocahontas is mad at him.  I don't know why.  He's Kelly and Roxy's daddy, but their mommy is in Heaven. The big boys are Ken and Peeta.  They go to school with my mommy. 

John: Wilma, who told you I want to...  

Wilma: I gots eyeballs, dude. 

The doorbell rings and Zenobia ends the live feed with a hearty "More later!"