It's Not The Plague

How are the residents of Barbieville dealing with the COVID-19 shutdown?  Let's drop in on the town's First Family and see!

Tanner:  Man, this sucks.  We're doing homework for lack of anything better to do. 

Finnick:  I'm just getting it over with.  Then I'm gonna get as many people together as possible for a marathon gaming session! 

Tanner: That's a great idea.  What game, though?

Finnick: That depends on who's playing.  We might even switch around as people join in or leave.  

Samara and Orlando are enjoying an unprecedented amount of freedom to chew on their big sisters' dolls. 

Samara: Horsey! 

Nikki sends a photo of them to Claudia. 

Claudia (via text): Orlando iz in da house!  LOL 

Nikki (via text): He thinks I can't see him in there.  How are things at your Grandma's? 

Claudia (via text): Awful.  I'm so mad at Ben.  He lets me be home alone all the time normally.

Nikki (via text): Normally, idiots aren't clobbering Asians for giving us the plague.

Claudia (via text): It's not the plague.  All this craziness is to keep it from being the plague.

Mace: I'm glad I got moved in before it hit.  If I was still in the apartment, they'd have me under quarantine.  

Stacie: They wouldn't even let you come here and take care of the horses?

Mace: That's what quarantine is.  You go nowhere and nobody comes over.  Nobody in the building is sick, but most of them are high risk, so they're being super careful. 

Stacie: It'd be a pain in the butt to do the barn chores without you. I'd have to get the twins to help and they'd just gripe the whole time. And Daddy is at work more than he's home!  

Fred: Your bed ain't very fun to jump on, Grandpa.

Mace: Boy, you better not get manure on my blankets.

Fred: I tooked my shoes off. 

Rose-Grace: I just told everyone in town to avoid gathering in groups larger than ten.  We're breaking that rule just by having everyone at home, and I'm the mayor!  We have to set an example.

Taylor: Well, can I go over there?  Charlotte might leave if I do.  She doesn't like me. 

Rose-Grace:  I also suggested self quarantining. Again, we have to set an example. 

Taylor: Sometimes it really sucks that you're the mayor. 

Rose-Grace: That we can agree on.  

Santa Visits Barbieville!

Courtesy of the museum, Santa photos are free for children under the age of twelve.  He arrived this morning after the parade.

Boudica: Seriously, Mom, can't you get an older lady to play Mrs. Claus?  

Helena: Some children are frightened of Santa and the opposite of old and male....

Guinness and Boudica:  Is young and female.

Helena: Besides, you aren't his wife.  You're one of his elves. 

The Sulu children are first in line.

Vivica: Santa, this is our new baby.  Her name is Dixie.

Santa: And what would Dixie like me to bring her?

Vivica: She likes juice.  Can you bring her juice?

Santa: Of course.  What would you and Bobby like this year?

Bobby: A Switch and PlayStation and Xbox and lots of games and... 

Vivica: Hey! Mommy said no being a greedy butt! (to Santa) But yeah, we've tried to be good so you would bring us a video game system.  

Ty Dean is next.

Ty: My big brother says all of your reindeer are girls.  He says boy reindeers lose their antlers in the winter.  But Rudolph is a boy name, right? 

Santa: Well, now.  Frodo seems to be under the impression they're normal reindeer.  He's mistaken, of course, since normal reindeer cannot fly.  You may tell him that some of my deer are girls and some of them are boys.  

Ty: YES!  Thank you, Santa!  (Runs off without asking for anything.)

Jenny Montez pauses to show Santa her candy-cane dress before the picture is taken.

Jenny: You picked a good helper this year, Santa.  Boudica helps Doctor Marcus take care of my Uncle Billy.  

Santa (exchanging a glance with Boudica): It was very nice of her to help.  My wife and elves are all very busy, you know.  

Jenny: And last year her big sissy helped you, but that silly Zenobia pretended to be an elf.  Why'd she do that for? 

Santa: Today Boudica is an elf.  My helpers always are.

Jenny: What I would like for Christmas is a big-girl bicycle.  Wif training wheels, so Daddy can take them off when I get even bigger.  I have been very good and don't even sass Auntie Charlotte.

Guinness is surprised to see Anakin.  

Kelly: Oh, Santa, look!  This is Anakin and he's gonna be our uncle soon!  His mommy didn't let you come to her house, but now he lives with us and you can bring him goodies, too! 

Santa: Yes, of course I'll bring Anakin goodies.  What would you like, young man? 

Anakin: Nothing for me, sir.  I'm very happy with what I have. 

Kelly: Ask him to help your mommy not get sick no more!  (To Santa) Sometimes Pern takes medicine wrong.  But we don't want her to get dead. 

Roxy: Kelly!  What did Pocahontas tell us about don't tell secrets that can make people cry?

Anakin: That's not what she meant, Roxy.  (winks at "Santa") My mommy's problem isn't a secret, anyway. 

Kelly: Fine then.  You can ask for a car with muscles. 

Anakin: I'm too young for a car, goofball.  (To Santa) We will write to you at the North Pole with our wish lists. C'mon, girls, other kids are waiting!

The three youngest Pike children clamor onto Santa's lap.  Well, two of them - Orlando needs Boudica to soothe him a bit.  

Fred: My big brothers said to ask you for a really big toy box because my toys are taking over our room.  But me and the babies really bad want you to make a baby grow in Silvie's belly.

Santa (shocked): Silvie?  Sylvia Guinness?

Fred (giggling): No, silly.  Silver Stream.  Grandpa Mace's girl horse.

Santa (relieved): I'll see what I can do. 

Santa: Stacie, you didn't want to be in the picture? 

Stacie (leans close and whispers): I know that's you, Mr. Guinness, working for the real Santa.  Don't worry, I won't tell the littles.  Grandpa Mace will handle the horse baby thing.

Guinness: Good to know.  And thank you, Miss Pike.

Anakin: Come on, Stacie, hurry. Our grown-ups are waiting in the lobby.  We're going to the Oriental Buffet!  

Stacie: I love that place!  Sushi is so good! 

Anakin: Yuck.  Raw fish.  What did you say to him, anyway? 

Stacie: Just letting him know his secret's safe with me.  Besides, we know he's gonna report back to the real Santa.

Anakin: Uh, yeah.  No need to upset anyone, right? 

Halloween Party

Since all the employed members of the family managed to have the same day off, the Pikes decided to throw a Halloween party.  Everyone had to pose for pictures as they arrived.

Pike: These magical staffs of ours are still useful if our spells don't work.

Mace: I'm not even a wizard.  I'm a cleverly disguised assassin.  Don't tell anyone.

Lee: Which one of us is the captain? 

McG: I hope you are, because I have trouble believing anyone could take me seriously in this skirt.  

Lee: You're seriously sexy in that skirt.

Finnick: Way to use your imagination, biker boy.

Tanner: What the hell are you supposed to be?  

Finnick:  I'm Tom Brady, duh.  

Nikki: Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits. 

Taylor (laughs): The two of us together, we're a witch hunt!  

Candy and Stacie opted for a mother/daughter costume.  Fairies!

Rose-Grace: I'd like to collect my three wishes, oh genie of the lamp. 

Morgan: You need to rub my lamp first, greedy.

Rose-Grace: Is that a euphemism?

Fred: Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 

Samara: Doo! 

Orlando: Dab-doo!

Joe dropped off an entire carload. 

Claudia:  I can't believe your mom let you wear that. 

Gabriella: She knows nothing - She's at work tonight.  

Bobby: Two-headed monster!  We're gonna eat up that candy cane right there! 

Jenny: You can't catch me.

Vivica: We can once the picture gets took and we take off the costume.  Oh, wait, then we won't be a two headed monster no more. 

Dan (in a terrible Scots accent): There can be only one!  

Emma: You forgot your sword, dummy.  You can't be the highlander without your sword. 

Dan: Um... I'm Lee and McGee's transporter guy on his day off?

Ty: Frodo was gonna bring Wilma with me, but she's barfing all over the place.  Him and Whitney  are gonna pick me up after work.  Whitney said to give Tanner a kiss for her, but I'm not gonna.

Anakin: You guys should have been evil cultists with me.  It would have been awesome.

Kelly:  No way!  I'm a pock-lips survivor!

Roxy: I told you, I don't wanna be an evil nothing for Halloween!  Maybe if we were nice cultists...

Mariko: We appropriated each other's culture. 

Nakoma: The stereotype, anyway.  

Mother's Day Weekend

Friday, before dawn, at Witch's Cove Campground.

Lorina: Stop trying to talk me into staying longer.  I want to spend Mother's Day with my daughter and grandson.  

Albus (making puppy-dog eyes): Well, if you must...  

Lorina (laughing): I must.  It's been fun, Albus, but all good things must end. 

Albus: Bummer, right? 

******

Friday,early evening, at The Overlook.

Jason: I'm sorry I didn't have time to take you home, kiddo.  But I'm sure Pocahontas won't mind if you explore the beach down there.  

Moana: I'll be the best dressed beachcomber this town has ever seen.  

Jason:  Sorry if I'm late.  We went to the graveyard so Moana could put some flowers on her mom's grave and got caught in traffic on the way back.  It is okay for her to go down there, right?

Pocahontas: That's what those steps are for.  I was just telling the others that this month's flowers had a Mother's Day card in it.  I'm not even ten years older than Nakoma! 

Jason: Maybe he knows you've generously given them maternal care even though they aren't your children.  I'd hate to think this guys doesn't know you're their sister if he's courting you.

Pocahontas:  Courting me?  I guess that term works as well as any, if a little dated.  

Nova: Mariko and I are going to do an on-line chat with her mom, and then we're taking mine out to lunch.  What do you guys have planned?

Becky:  Nothing.  The kids are totally bummed - this is their first year without theirs, and my parents expect us to fly across the country just for the day.  With Ron and Ginny's money, you know. 

Ben: Claudia wants to go see our mom, but the prison doesn't have visiting hours on Sunday, so we're going tomorrow. I'd just as soon not do it, but the social worker says I need to let Claudia work things out for herself. 

Nova:  Wait, your parents are in jail? 

Ben: Just mom.  Dad is in the cemetery.  I don't want to talk about it. 

******

Sunday morning, the Pike house.

Rose-Grace:  This might be the most unusual breakfast in bed I've ever seen. 

Fred: Taylor said you'd want boring ole bacon and eggs and I said no way.  Step Mommy likes pizza!

Taylor: He was... um... quite insistent.  

Rose-Grace:  Well, he isn't wrong.  I do like pizza, bear claws, and cappachino.  

Fred: Now eat up!  We got lots of fun on the Jenda for today! 

Rose-Grace:  I hope you aren't forgetting Candy.  She did give birth to half of you.

Tanner: She's still on assignment.  We'll have a belated one for her when she gets back.  

Fred: She likes raw fishies, so we can take her to the ornamental buffet.

Day Of Rest? Where?

Sunday in Barbieville, the day after the fire at Witch's Cove.  

Marcus: Hold your horses, Albus!  Even if your oxygen levels didn't need to monitored, I wouldn't let you go home until I know you're mobile on the crutches.

Albus (slightly breathless): I'm good, Doc.  Ask Pocahontas, she was down at PT with me.

Marcus: And she sees how short of breath you are.  You could pass out, fall down the stairs, and end up right back in here.

Albus: I don't have any stairs.

Pocahontas: Albus, unless you want to hobble across town on those crutches, you aren't going anywhere until Doc clears you.  

Albus: I'm telling you, I'm fine.  And what about my garden?

Pocahontas: Anakin is taking care of the garden.  He's there even as we speak. 

Albus: He is very good with the plants.  Told me his mother kept a garden.

Detective Spiro interrupts the Sunday yard work at the Guinness home. 

Detective: I understand you've had long-standing issues with Tanner Pike, Ryan.

Ryan: He kicked my ass once, if that's what you mean.  You think I started that fire at the park? That's...  I'd actually try to kill people just because Tanner can't take a joke? 

Guinness: The fire yesterday?  My wife, daughters, and I can account for Ryan's every moment in nearly a month.  He's been under house arrest. 

Detective: You mean grounded? 

Ryan: No, he means this place is practically a prison.  Even in the bathroom, I got one of them outside the door!  

Guinness: Prisons have communal showers, do they not?

At the Pike house, most of the family is sleeping in.  It was a late night.

Nikki: You're playing with the dollhouse?  Where's the real Stacie?

Stacie: I was gonna give them to Anakin.  He really likes dolls and his mom never let him have any cause he's a boy.  But look how much Samara and Orlando like this stuff!

Rose-Grace comes in, carrying a freshly bathed Fred.

Fred: You gits to put my clothes on! 

Nikki: Quiet.  Taylor's still sleeping.

Rose-Grace: I have to go to the office.  Finnick has gone to pick up Tanner at the hospital, Dad's still sleeping, and this one wants to be a nudist.  

Nikki: You have to go to the office?  On Sunday?

The twins are met in the driveway by Frodo and Four.  They settle into the Boy Cave before talking.

Four: A broken wrist and smoke inhalation was the worst of it?  I've been freaking out since I heard and that's all it was?

Tanner: No, my legs are all bandaged up.  Doc says they're minor burns, but they sure as hell don't look or feel minor.  And Albus broke his ankle.

Finnick: He had a flashback, too.  Nakoma said from the Vietnam War. Had to call us into his hospital room and apologize for the things he said, as if we understood that language.  He could've been telling us the password to Area 51 for all we knew.

Tanner: Whitney came to see me last night.  We're a thing now.

Frodo:  What?! (catches himself) That's great.  I guess you were the dude Nakoma mentioned.

Tanner: I know you liked her, man.  Don't play like this isn't gonna bother you. 

Frodo: My heart ain't broken.  Dented, maybe.  (Waves the issue away) I'm happy for you.

Tanner: Really?  You're okay?

Frodo: I will be.  

Four distracts Finnick, letting the other two talk. 

Four: You gonna let me sign that cast?

Finnick:  Why would I want "Four loves Tris" written all over my arm?  

Rose-Grace is surprised to see John Smith walk in with Detective Spiro.  

Detective: John caught our arsonist in the act, but he got away from him. 

John: My place was on fire!  I wasn't about to let it burn down with my daughters inside! 

Rose-Grace: He set fire to your house?  Not the day care? 

John: My house is the day care - we have an apartment upstairs like Violet did. I went out to warm up the car before church and saw somebody in the back, the playground.  He took off running when I yelled, but he'd already started the fire.  I grabbed the hose. I didn't even think about chasing him.

Rose-Grace: As you should have.  Don't let anyone tell you different. 

Detective: I'm having several suspects picked up for questioning.  Do you know of anyone who might want to harm the Smiths?

John: She thinks Pocahontas did this.  Like Pocahontas would set fire to her own place and damn near kill people just to throw cops off the scent.  Or burn down her best friend's diner.

Rose-Grace: There's no evidence these were all set by the same person, John.  Who is with your girls right now? 

John: They're at the park with some friends and their parents.  We saw them on the way here and I figured that'd be better than dragging them to this meeting.

Rose-Grace: Unless Detective Spiro needs you for anything, you can go ahead and leave.  Give them hugs from me.

The rest of the weekend passes uneventfully.  Monday is a Teacher In-Service, so there is no school, but late Monday night (early Tuesday morning), Fred rushes upstairs.

Pike (groggy): What is it, son?

Freddy: Finnick said get you.  Tanner is crying and his leg ouchies look like volcanoes. 

Not A Fun Saturday

After the fire at Witch's Cove, both twins were treated at Doll County Medical Center.

Pike: We weren't told both boys were hurt.  

Marcus:  We didn't know when we sent for you.  We only found Finnick's break because I insisted on him going into triage. 

Finnick: I didn't feel it.  Doc says I was probably in shock.

Tanner (struggling to a sitting position):  What about Albus?  Is Albus going to be all right?

Rose-Grace:  Honey, we love Albus, too, but...

Marcus:  Tanner inhaled a lot of smoke and has a few minor burns to his lower body.  The paramedics and ER got his oxygen levels up, but he's not out of the woods yet.  We need to keep him here at least twenty-four hours.

Tanner: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna live.  What about Albus?  Did I get him out in time? 

Marcus: I'm not supposed to discuss other patients with you.  But I can't stop any of you from visiting him.  He's right across the hall.

Tanner:  Hey, where are my dog tags?  

A few minutes later, Marcus finds Pocahontas in Albus's room.  When he hesitates to share any information, she surprises him.

Pocahontas: I'm his medical POA.  You can check the records if you need to.

Marcus: Why am I surprised?  You've probably known Albus your entire life.  

Pocahontas:  He's doped to the gills. 

Marcus:  Pain medication.  His leg is badly broken.  He's got second degree burns.  The man's in a lot of pain.   (chuckles)  Besides, we both know this isn't the first time Albus has been doped to the gills. 

Finnick (entering): He ain't done the hard stuff in decades.  (looks at Albus)  Holy crap, is he on a respirator?  

Marcus: Just oxygen.  He inhaled a good bit more smoke than your brother did.  (To Pocahontas) Stop at the desk before you leave.  We've got some paperwork for you. (leaves)

Pocahontas: How's Tanner?  Is he all right?

Nakoma comes in as Finnick updates Pocahontas.  She holds up the phone so the group on the other end can see Finnick.  It's Zenobia, Whitney, and Mariko. 

Finnick: You guys look like you're crammed in one of them photo booths.

Nakoma: Midna won't let them go home until they find out if you're okay. 

Pocahontas: What happened, Finnick?   

Finnick: We were working on one of the cars for the haunted house and we smelled smoke, but before we even put down our tools, a wall collapsed on us.  Albus was stuck.  Tanner started throwing rubble off him while I pulled on him.  He was fighting us and talking some other language? 

Nakoma: Flashback.  He served in Vietnam.

Finnick: That makes sense.  Anyway, we finally got him out.  Albus was unconscious and Tanner was coughing so bad...  (Covers his face with his hands, too upset to go on.)

Nakoma (to the phone): I'll call you back. 

As Rose-Grace and Pike prepare to go home, Detective Spiro comes in. 

Rose-Grace: Arson again?

Detective: The investigator says it's even more obvious than before.  I need to talk to your sons, and since they're minors, one of you needs to be here.  

Pike:  I'll get Finnick, he's across the hall with Albus.

After finishing with the Pikes, the detective goes Albus's room.  Pocahontas is expecting her.  They've been in touch by phone all afternoon.  

Pocahontas: Did you find anything on the security feed?

Detective: We did, but it doesn't give us a lot to go on.  

They watch the recording in silence.

Pocahontas: Whoever this is, they're good. That looks like a professional demolition job. 

Detective: We'll be able to get an approximate height and weight from this.  Unfortunately, the clothes are loose enough that can't tell a sex and there's no visible skin or hair.  You don't recognize anything in the mannerisms, by any chance?

Pocahontas: I'm afraid not.  

Pike has told Finnick to be quiet when they go into the house, since the other kids will be sleeping, but they find this in the kitchen. 

Taylor:  Finally!  We've been so worried! 

Finnick: Hop up, brat.  I'm stealing your chair.  (lets Fred climb onto his lap)  

Fred: How come you gots your shirt on funny?  You look like you're feeding a baby.

Finnick: If I didn't, we would have to chop the sleeve off.  (To Pike) Didn't you tell them we were okay?  That I was coming home with you?

Pike: I guess they won't be happy until they hear it from the horse's mouth.

Fred (giggles): You're a horse.  Go live in the barn.

Tanner is reading a magazine when Whitney creeps into the room.  

Tanner:  It's way after visiting hours.  What are you doing? 

Whitney: This afternoon...  it was so scary... and I've never told you. 

Tanner: Told me what?  Whitney, you can tell me anything.  We're friends.

Whitney: That's just it, Tanner.  I want to be more than friends.

Tanner: I've wanted that for a while now.

Whitney: Why didn't you say anything?

Tanner: Wilma.  I didn't want you to think I was like them guys at school. 

Whitney: If I thought that, I wouldn't even want to be friends. (laughs softly) Funny, I thought Wilma was the reason you wouldn't want me.  You know, damaged goods and all that.

Tanner: You forget my dad's a grocer.  The damaged goods are the best values. 

They kiss.