Ghosts and Gold Diggers

 Diana is finishing up her first day teaching at the college when a man enters. 

Jeremiah:  Diana Prince?  

Diana: Yes.  Can I help you with something? 

Jeremiah:  I hope so.  I'm the president of Doll County Paranormal.  We investigate claims of hauntings, with a scientific focus, and our current project is at Witch's Cove.  Are you familiar with this area at all? 

Diana: I graduated with Pocahontas.  And I believe you graduated with my brother Severus.  

 

Jeremiah (chuckles): Small world.  Anyway... we're putting together a video of this particular investigation, to sell in Witch's Cove's gift shops, and hoped to have an actual historian present the -- well, the history of the place.

Diana:  I hate to be rude, but it's been a long day and I just want to get home to my son.  Can I give you my card and we'll make arrangements? 

****

At The Point, a motel and campground on the south shore of Muneca Lake

William: I've been considering your proposal.  I'm sorry, but I just can't condone gold digging. 

Charlotte: It's not gold digging if it's honest.  I know many people look down on me, but Billy knew the entire time that I wouldn't have been with him if he was broke.  And Rayshawn isn't looking for that type of girl, anyway, they'd all be eliminated quickly. 

Rayshawn: Right.  You see those shows on TV, it's all hot tubs and cocktails, but my elimination criteria is gonna include working on renovating The Point and getting along with my kid.   Gold-diggers ain't into that kind of thing, are you, Charlotte? 

Charlotte: I prefer the term social climber, thank you very much.  

William: Wait.  You want to bring in a bunch of women with the marry a millionaire concept and then make them do manual labor?  

Charlotte: He's following my example.  This way he can focus on compatibility without wondering if she's faking interest to get at the money.  Rayshawn envies us because our marriage isn't based on deceit.  

William: I'm beginning to see some merit in this idea.  Would the child have a say in the matter?  Perhaps even act as one of the judges? That's an angle we haven't seen.  Father and son decide the elimination.  

******

Friday afternoon, DCP meets at the Overlook in Witch's Cove.

Jeremiah: OK, y'all, we need to get coordinated for this weekend's investigation.  HQ will be here, in the event venue, but of course we'll be spread out over the entire property.  But before we get started, Phoebe Guinness has news.

Phoebe:  I've submitted my paperwork for my doctorate.  Accredited schools don't have one for parapsychology, so it's actually in plain ole psych, but with a heavy focus on the para!  

Jeremiah: And welcome to the team Diana Prince and Esperanza Hernandez.  Diana is a history professor and will be acting as team historian, but Esperanza will be out in the field with us.  Remember, everyone, we do not scoff at rookie mistakes.  We once made them ourselves.  

Diana: May I say, whoever did the research for this specific project did an excellent job.  

Nakoma: That would be Phoebe.  She's currently employed in the park and therefore not allowed to take part in the field work.  Jeremiah's rules, not mine!  (To Jeremiah)  I'm here as park owner, to protect our legal interests.  

Diana (to Esperanza): That's Pocahontas?  She looks so young. 

Esperanza: Nakoma.  The younger sister.

Diana: Wow.  I'm really behind on my hometown gossip.

The Investigation: Part Three

 Picture day at Barbieville High.  

Gabriella: So then Charlotte tells my mom she's a bad sister!  Because she won't lie on the stand! 

Taylor: Will Charlotte leave town when this custody thing is over?  Please say yes. 

Gabriella: Probably not.  Mom thinks her real reason for coming back to town was revenge.  She wants to make this town pay for whatever she thinks it did to her.  

Phoebe: Looks good to me, but you're the photographer. 

Kenna: (to Samantha, who just sat for her photo) You can head back to class now.  Thank you.

Phoebe: Granger, Hermione. (looks towards the assembled students)  

Draco: She and her boyfriend are at home crying because his mommy died. 

Kevin: She's his stepsister, you moron, not his girlfriend. 

Ron: Losing your parent is horrible.  Of course they're sad. 

Draco: Oh, that's right!  You're an orphan, so you know all about what they're going through, don't you? Maybe you'll run over there after school and give them all hugs.  Have a giant pity party. 

Phoebe calls Alex Russo next, but Kenna turns to Draco. 

Kenna: Young man, your lack of sympathy is disgusting.  What I just overheard will be reported.  

Draco: Big deal.  

Kenna: Barbieville has some pretty strict anti-bullying policies.  I'm sure you just violated several. 

Draco starts to reply, but the intercom drowns him out.  He's being called to the office. 

Kevin: You know you're an ass when you get called to the office before they even know you did anything.

Draco: You look like a pimp. 

***** 

Mayor's office

Midge: It's the same person, I'm sure.  Both victims were hit at high speed by a large vehicle.  The same vehicle, or a very similar one.  Our second victim was thrown across the narrowest section of the inlet, from the park.  

Lynch: Your report gives a tentative make and model of the vehicle.  It's a very common vehicle.  

Rose-Grace: My family has three of them.  

Midge: Yes, but your vehicles don't match the paint transfer we found on the victims.  (weak smile) I think you're cleared. The question now is - Do we talk to the media again and how much do we tell them?  

Lynch: We don't want to create a panic. 

Rose-Grace: I'll put together a statement.  Dealing with the media and the public comes with being the mayor.

Midge: I'll practice my "no comment".  

Lynch: And my refusal to discuss an ongoing investigation. 

Many/Mini Family Reunions

Sunburst has reopened for patio dining.  Barbieville followed the CDC guidelines from the start, despite actions taken at the state and federal levels, and as a result there has been very little incidence of the pandemic.  The town is reopening carefully.  (Side note for readers: Masks in Barbieville are invisible.  So says Barbieville's god.)

Brent: I'm glad you made it.  I was worried, especially since Esperanza was sick recently. 

Daisy:  Bertie wasn't about to pass up this job and Esperanza's been cleared by the doctors.  Thanks so much for connecting us to Mr. Darling.

Brent: That was Kyra.  She's determined not to let the personal issues touch on the professional.  He mentioned needing an anchor and she thought of Bertie.  I guess the interview went well? 

Bertie: He called all my references beforehand and grilled them.  The interview was basically him saying "here's what the job is, do you want it?"   My co-anchor is going to be a gal named Becky Weasley.  Do you know her?

Brent:  She just graduated college.  Got the job with WDLC and started house-hunting.  Maybe you and she could do that together.

Daisy: Oh, that might be fun.  We could get to know her better, you know?

Esperanza: I'm going inside to use the restroom.  Be right back.

Bertie (worried): She's not adjusting well at all.  They said her voice may never return to normal.

Daisy: She'll be okay, sweetheart.  We just have to keep reminding her that she can still act and dance. 

Brent: And now that you're here, Uncle Brent can help.  I have connections in this town, you know.  Not that we have much of an entertainment industry here.

Bertie: That amusement park doesn't do shows? 

Brent: They're probably not going to reopen this season.  Not only do we have a pandemic on, the owner just got married.  She's also in the middle of a complete rebranding.  Change of name, new and updated rides, all that jazz.  Maybe in the spring, if Esper still wants to try it. 

Esmeralda gets a surprise at table P2.

Esmeralda: Bapo!  You made it! 

Django: Why do you call me that, girl?  I'm not your grandfather. 

Esmeralda:  The day Four was born, that became your name.  Just like mine became Mom and Marcus's became Dad. 

Django:  We stopped at the house and Kevin said you and Tris were both here.  Are you busy?

Esmeralda: I am, but she's about to go on break.  I'll tell her you're out here. 

After hugs and a quick introduction to Jessie (one of Django's grandchildren and therefore a future cousin-in-law), Tris sits down to eat lunch.

Tris: I wasn't expecting you so early.  (to Jessie) Four's always spoken of you so fondly, I feel like I already know you. 

Jessie: There were... circumstances... behind our coming early.  Bapo's decided to stop wandering and open up a tattoo parlor here, with Four.  I tagged along to get away from a stalker.

Django: Stalker is a very harsh word.  What he is, is a very persistent suitor. 

Jessie: To-may-to, to-mah-to. Know any place that might hire a gal who's handy with a wrench? 

Later, Doll County Paranormal holds an informal meeting at the diner.  

Jeremiah: Jimin, hard at work as usual.  Big case coming up? 

Jimin: Case from Hell.  This woman is neglectful of her children and has a violent police record but is fighting for custody of her children.  

Nova: Charlotte Jackson? 

Jimin (chuckles): I can neither confirm or deny that.  After all the business the buffet lost this year, we really need the money this case is going to pay, but it's been a complete nightmare.

Phoebe: Hey, y'all!  Look who's back in town!  

Kenna:  Yep, got a job at that new TV station.  Bunking with her and Sylvia til I get a place of my own, but Mom and Dad think it's permanent.  I swear we'd all still live at home if they had their way.

Jimin: Welcome back, Kenna.  I've missed you. 

Kenna: She made me carry the research she's been doing on the cove.  This stuff weighs a ton! 

Jeremiah: The paranormal does all kinds of strange things to electronics.  Hard copy, not so much. (laughs) But you're right, a laptop would be easier to carry. 

Nova: Take a seat, ladies.  Put away the custody battle, lawyer boy.

Live and Learn

Batgirl is enjoying her lunch break when Charlotte barges into the Employees Only area.

Charlotte: I cannot believe the gall!  They've dragged Billy's brother out of hiding! 

Batgirl: Billy has a brother?

Charlotte: God only knows what he's going to tell the lawyers.  When I was pregnant with Max, he called me the most vile names.  

Batgirl (resigned): Sit down, then, and tell me.  

Charlotte: I never mentioned him because he isn't worth mentioning.  Or wasn't until now. 

Batgirl: Honestly, I don't understand why you don't just let Mary Kate and Max go.  Gabriella's been in touch with them and they seem to be happy. You'll have a better chance at patching things up with them once they're grown. 

Charlotte: Billy's sons and brother have always hated me.  They tried to turn Billy against me and now they're taking my children.

Batgirl: They suspect you married him for his money and that you're only interested in the kids' inheritance.  (heavy sigh)  And you've always had... well, challenges, in connecting with people.  

Charlotte: You don't get it.  These are MY children.  MINE. 

Batgirl: They're people, Charlotte, not possessions.

Charlotte stares at her sister for a long moment before rising and leaving without another word.

On her way out of the grocery, she stops in her tracks when she hears someone call her hated nickname. 

Charlotte (irate): What did you call me?! 

Jeremiah: I didn't call you, Charlotte.  (nervously laughs) You don't recognize me, do you? I'm Jeremiah Russo.  Father of two now, one of which happens to be named Lottie.

Charlotte: You named your child after me?  

Jeremiah: She's actually named after her mom's grandmother.  (to Alex)  Go find Lottie.  I'm sure she's back in frozen foods.  

Charlotte: Oh, this isn't her? 

Jeremiah: This is Alex. 

Alex: You're Gabriella's aunt, right?  Charlotte Jackson?

Charlotte (to Jeremiah): I apologize for shouting at you.  Please understand, I've had a very bad day.

Jeremiah: No problem.  I have the same reaction when people call me Jerry.

*********

Phoebe is taking advantage of the unseasonably warm day.  She's researching the history of Witch's Cove, preparing for the paranormal team's work there, in the park.

Becky: Hey, I was just headed over to City Hall to help you out.   Jeremiah told me I could tag along and do a story on y'all for the university paper. 

Phoebe: I got done with everything I can't take with me.  I'll be glad to go over it with you once I get all my notes in order.  

Becky: History of Doll County?  Anything juicy in here or just a lot of land deeds? 

Phoebe: All the juicy stuff was in the newpaper archives. (stops typing)  About what Sylvia said the other day?  About Ben?  She has no idea what she's talking about.   Her ex was convinced Ben's gay because he has a man bun.  Seriously.  That's his entire basis for the assumption.

Becky: Wow.  Sylvia dodged a bullet when they broke up. 

Phoebe: She dodged a nuke when they broke up.  Anyway, I dated Ben back in the day and I can attest to his heterosexuality.  So if you are interested in him, go for it.  

Becky: Really?  You and Ben? 

Phoebe: We just didn't work out.  Not much to tell.  

****

Note to readers: Charlotte's children (Mary Kate and Max) live on Facebook page "Our Toy Story" under the album "Nearly Famous". 

The New Year Brings Beginnings

At the local college, the winter quarter begins.  

Becky: Hey, study buddies.  Ready to start the new quarter?

Phoebe: Sylvia started hers this morning.  Crazy woman took an eight o'clock class. 

Sylvia:  It's a required class, you bonehead.  (To Becky)  How do you know Ben, anyway?  We thought you were another business major, but he said you're in journalism. 

Becky: We're in a support group together, Kin As Parents.  We'd met before that, but KAP was what really made us friends.  

Phoebe: Are you interested in being more than friends?  It's just us girls, you can tell us.

Sylvia: I hope not, because he's gay.  That's why -- 

Phoebe: Stop believing the crap your ex told you.  (To Becky) My sister recently escaped from a cult.  Oops, I mean a bad relationship that might as well have been one. 

Sylvia: Well, if he isn't gay, then why -- (Shuts up when she sees Ben enter the room.)

Ben (laughs at the awkward silence): Talking about me, huh?  Did you have anything juicy to say? 

Becky: You are pretty much the only thing we have in common at this point. 

Ben: Good point.  Besides, if you're talking about me, you're leaving someone else alone. 

Morgan: Welcome to Intro To Paleontology.  I'm Morgan Pike, your instructor.  Today we're just going to go over the syllabus and set some ground rules.

******

At Barbieville City Hall Complex, Rayshawn Lucas puts the next step of his plan into motion.

Rayshawn: Wow.  This is the most casual mayor's office I've ever been in. 

Rose-Grace:  I'll take that as a compliment.  Mr. Lucas, I presume? 

Rayshawn: Yes.  And you must be Ms Pike.  I wanted to discuss my plans for The Point.  Right now, there's an issue with the zoning? 

Rose-Grace: The previous owner was trying to have it rezoned and many of my citizens were against the move.  If you're planning to reopen the motel and campground as it was, zoning won't be a problem. 

Rayshawn: Excellent.  

*****

Jeremiah Russo is moving into his fiancee's rambling old farmhouse, which requires cleaning out unused rooms for his daughters.  Some of his co-workers volunteer to help after work Saturday.

Esmeralda: You're right.  She does look more like a Gypsy fortune-teller than I do.

Jeremiah: It's those earrings.  You don't do the big hoop earrings.

Esmeralda: I never did.  Anyway, put me to work! 

Nova: Neither of these women is Pern.

Jeremiah: Pern's coming.  (Points out his co-workers)  The gal with blue hair is Zenobia Malfoy and the other is Esmeralda Eaton. 

Nova: Zenobia's a Malfoy? Mariko never mentioned that part. 

Jeremiah: He's nothing like her dad, I promise.  How could she be, if she's friends with this bunch? 

Nova: Speaking of this bunch... you can probably guess who they are.  

Jeremiah: How do you tell the twins apart?

Zenobia: Someone got up to some kinky stuff in here.

Nakoma: You got kinky on the brain. When did Esmeralda and Pern switch bodies?

Zenobia: Hey, she volunteered.  Pern had to wait around for Frodo... he got a flat tire and was running late... but she's coming. She said Anakin asked Pocahontas to adopt him?  What's up with that? Your little brother will be your nephew.  

Nakoma: If Pern signs over total custody, it's about the same thing without an actual adoption.  He can even change his name to Smith if they want, but he won't legally be John and Pocahontas's kid. (shakes her head) Kind of hard to explain.  But if they do it, I'm considering asking to do the same, because I'm sick of carrying around Cash's name. 

Tanner: Hey, where's your lazy sons?  Get em in here!

Esmeralda: Only one of my sons is lazy.  

Recover, Register, Relapse

On one of the rare days that both Zenobia and Tris are off work, Tris finds her stressing in the studio.

Tris: What's wrong? 

Zenobia: I've lined up guests for the Openly Biased series on bullying, but can't figure out how to get them all within camera range.  There's too many for swapping them out and I want them to be able to interact.

Tris: I keep telling you, put this wardrobe in front of the extra bathroom door.  If you open it, you'll double the seating area. 

Zenobia: I don't want my viewers looking at this!  I've had it since I was six and it looks like it!  The back lining... well, look at it.

Tris:  We'll go see Joe Montez.  I bet he's got discarded wallpaper we can recover the interior with.  Something not so juvenile and less distracting for your audience.  Buy Four dinner and he'll even do the work for you.

Zenobia: I suppose it's worth a try.  And we'll need Four either way because this thing weighs a ton. 

Later.

Zenobia: Four, I've got your payment ready.  Lasagna and garlic bread, as requested. 

Tris: But first we show you the results.  

Four: We didn't change much on the front.  Covered the logo on bottom so you don't get hit with a copyright violation, but the rest is the same.

Four: But when you open it up, it looks fun but not juvenile. I'm especially partial to the Route 66 sign on the door. 

Tris: What do you think, Zen?  Acceptable?

Zenobia: Even better.  I love it.  I swear, Tris, someone up there blessed me when we met.

Tris: They blessed me just as much.

Four: Oh, get a room, you two.

*****

At the college, Early registration for the Winter Quarter has opened.  Surprisingly few students take advantage of it, but the Barbieville residents do.  The guidance counselor at Barbieville High trained them well.

Phoebe: You look like you just survived a tornado.  

Sylvia: I put the top down.  It feels like summer out there! 

Phoebe: If you've got a science elective, take Intro to Paleontology.  The two o'clock class, so we can ride together. 

Ben: I'm taking that, too.  Just as a random elective, to fill a gap in the schedule. 

Becky: Pike?  Is this instructor kin to your boss?

Ben: His sister.  I haven't met her, though, except in passing.

Phoebe: Hi, Ben's friend that we've never been introduced to even though we see you with him all the time.

Ben: Sorry.  Becky Weasley, these two troublemakers are Phoebe and Sylvia Guinness.  I graduated with them.  

Sylvia: We should all take this class together, even if it doesn't fit our major.  Do you need an elective, Becky? 

Becky: I don't need one, but why not?  We've got a built-in study group right here!

******

Pocahontas comes in after a very long day - John and the kids are already in bed.

Pocahontas:  I'm so glad today is over with.  If it could go wrong, it did.

John: Everything all right now?

Pocahontas: Once I helped Albus get rid of that Jackson woman.  She kept harassing him to drop the charges against Draco Malfoy and he had to call me in because I actually own the property the trailer is on.  She refused to leave until I started dialing the police.  I swear, if one more thing...  (her phone rings)

Pocahontas: Yes, this is her.  What's happened?  (Gives John an alarmed look)  She's safe for the night?  All right, I'll contact you in the morning and we'll make a plan.  (Hangs up the phone and sits in troubled silence)

John: What is it?  Who is it? 

Pocahontas: Anakin's mother.  She's relapsed and overdosed. (Crying)  That poor boy has been through so much, John, why can't he catch a break? 

John: He has caught a break, sweetheart.  He's got us.

Summer Is Coming

No lazy Saturday for the teens of Barbieville.  Exams are next week, then summer begins in earnest.  Study groups invade seperate rooms of the Pike home.  Or just play groups, for the younger set.

Fred: Did you know you don't get booby milk unless you grow a baby in your belly?  Bobby's mommy told me that's why she can't feed Dixie except with a bottle. 

Wilma: How come boys even gots boobies, then?  

Fred: Tanner says when we grow in the belly, we can be a boy or a girl depending on what chrome-zones and horde-moans we get.  We all automatically get boobies just in case we're girls. 

Finnick:  (To Nakoma) Tanner, the font of all knowledge. 

Nakoma: I wish.  I'd ask him who the guy stalking Pocahontas is. Creeps me out.  

Mariko: He's just sending flowers.  Besides, if it came to violence, my money's on her.  She did beat the crap out of John in high school when he got Albion Kelly pregnant.

Tanner: I've seen her physically remove some bruisers from the park, too.  She's a tough gal. 

Whitney: I like to gossip as much as the next girl, but we're supposed to be studying.  I'm really worried about the monologue for English.  How am I supposed to get into the head of a Victorian character? A man, even? 

Anakin: Mommy said she's out of rehab now, but she's got to find and keep a job for a long time before she can even think about.... Stacie, are you listening to me? 

Stacie: Sorry.  These guys are just so cute.

Anakin: I can't believe your folks let Orlando play with dolls.  Mommy always said... 

Stacie: Anakin, we're besties, right?  I can be totally honest with you?

Anakin: Sure.

Stacie: Your mother is an idiot.  

Nikki: I like Moana and everything, but I'm glad she didn't come with you.  I missed having it just be us two hanging out.

Taylor (to Gabriella): Are we not here?

Claudia: She's probably off somewhere trying to figure out which of Jason's brothers is her father.  DNA test said, plain as day, a second-degree relationship.  I don't think Jason's very smart. 

Gabriella: She's with Courtney.  Mom took them to the beach.  

Taylor:  Yeah, Moana practically lives at the Montez house now.  She likes you two, but she and Courtney...  thick as thieves. And we aren't hanging out, we're trying not to flunk.  We'll have all summer to hang out. 

At City Hall.  

Rose-Grace:  What are you doing here on a Saturday? 

Kyra: I'd ask you the same, but I bet I know.  Hiding from a house full of kids?

Rose-Grace: I've got some stuff with the zoning board to straighten out by Monday.  I want to give them a final decision first thing in the morning and get it over with.  (laughs) Also, a house full of kids that aren't mine.  

Kyra: I wanted to ask you about borrowing The Tank at some point over the summer.  Brent wants us to meet his sister and we thought we'd make a vacation of it, but cost is an issue.  Filling up an RV and renting a campsite is a lot cheaper than plane tickets and a pair of hotel rooms. 

Rose-Grace:  Sister?  Not the parents? 

Kyra: Brent hopes we never meet his parents.  They're the worst sort of people you could imagine.  

At Witch's Cove.

Pocahontas: I'm going to say this once, Ryan.  You are getting this chance as a favor to your parents and sisters.  I hope they're right when they tell me you've turned over a new leaf.  

Ryan: Yes, ma'am.  Well, I'm trying.  

Sylvia: My ex filled his head with so much crap from the time he was little... 

Pocahontas: Your obnoxious ex aside, Ryan's not a child anymore and it's time he acted like it. 

Pocahontas:  You'll work the ticket booth this summer.  Your sisters will work the first few days here with you, for training, and then you'll be assigned with others.

Phoebe: And we'll smack you upside the head if you get outta line.  (To Pocahontas) Once we get home, that is.  I know whacking your co-workers is frowned upon.